“The new facilities are bound to be popular, the owners will be able to look straight out to sea. In fact, the lease agreement makes it compulsory, for a minimum of 4 hours a day”, explained Vice-Admiral Daley. “If they do spot anything suspicious, they should ring this siren.”

The resort features some sheltered housing, for the more infirm retirees. “It’s some of the most sheltered accommodation we’ve ever built: up to 8 foot thick in places. A warden is on-hand at all times, to assist with household tasks, shopping or ship identification. And they all feature security doors and windows, that can resist attack for up to 3 days”.

There are sports to keep the residents active, from small-bore pistol shooting to large-bore anti-aircraft drilling. “Games consoles such as the Wii are well-known for keeping the elderly sharp. They really love playing Tour of Duty and Medal of Honor”. The site features low-level bird tables to feed the penguins, a golf course with plenty of bunkers and pedalos are available for hire, with very low radar signatures.

Admiral Daley is hoping to encourage retired servicemen from other friendly nations. “we’re building some ‘flat top’ ferries jointly with the French, but it’s a little problematic. The British contingent complain about the food, and the French keep surrendering to oil rigs.”

Witnesses say the trouble started in the morning when a fishmonger’s shop was attacked after one of the group recognised his uncle lying on a slab in the window, surrounded by ice and decorated with lemon wedges and parsley. In a separate incident, a van delivering potatoes to a local restaurant was surrounded by the mob and forced to offload its cargo of chips and frozen peas into the River Parrett. The shoal then moved on to the Fishermans Arms where fighting broke out with locals who apparently started waving worms at the fish and extending their arms, taunting them with exaggerated tales of the biggest mackerel they had ever caught.

It took emergency crews over an hour to find the dead halibut who is thought to have become de-hydrated and collapsed in the rough on the par 3 fairway. He was rushed to Taunton A&E but was pronounced dead on arrival. Chief Inspector Bob Davidson of the Avon and District Constabulary warned: ‘Although our sympathies go out to the family of this halibut, we would urge other fish visiting our town not to partake in land-based pastimes such as golf and crown green bowls as they are totally unsuitable for marine life.’

A short service will be held tomorrow at Bridgwater C of E before the halibut is filleted, lightly steamed and served on a bed of rice and asparagus tips.

The ancient mystery of the Bronze Age monument known as Stonehenge was finally unlocked this week, after Britain’s most eminent archaeologist announced that his exhaustive twelve-year study conclusively proved that the monument was part of an ancient crazy-golf course that covered much of Wiltshire and was used by holidaying giant humans ‘who were taller than a really big tree’.

Professor Arnold Cockburn of Cambridge University, has devoted much of his life to this study of Europe’s greatest Bronze Age monument, and several colleagues looked a little uneasy as he made the announcement at a press conference for the science journal Nature.

‘Look at the shaft of this massive nine-iron golf club, that at the time was dismissed as section of old gas pipe.’ He said. ‘It proves that our ancestors were about a hundred feet high and built Stonehenge as the final hole in a novelty mini-golf range that stretched from Salisbury Plain to Maiden Castle’ he declared.

At this point his former colleague Sir Bryan Peterson interjected to say ‘Arnold has worked very hard on this research project, and I think the strain of it all may have clouded his usually razor-sharp mind. Especially with Deirdre leaving him like that. Arnold, why don’t we go and have a drink, I could help you redraft the research project?’

But Professor Cockburn was undaunted by the discomfort of the attendant journalists, adding that the hundred foot hunter-gatherers were also into Swingball, ping-pong and bike polo. ‘Although they were very tall, they had really small heads, and spoke with a marked Scandinavian accent, like that chef on the Muppets’ continued Britain’s leading academic on ancient European anthropology.

Professor Arnold was recently arrested for trying to run over his wife’s lesbian lover while under the influence of alcohol and was offered paid leave by Cambridge University on condition that he sought medical help. But he claimed that his studies were the only thing that were keeping him sane, and resolved to see the project through to the end.

‘Arnold has had a pretty rough time of recently’ said another Cambridge don ‘and has clearly gone off his mind with this ‘crazy golf for giants’ theory. You only have to look at Stonehenge to realize that the giants obviously built it for croquet.’

(one line unluckypixie)