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Posts Tagged ‘CRB’

Christmas cancelled as Santa fails CRB check

Christmas 2010 has had to be cancelled until further notice following checks on Father Christmas revealed that he had not had the required Criminal Records Bureau clearance to enter a large number of children’s bedrooms after nightfall.

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Posted: Nov 24th, 2010
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Children ‘to do their bit for recovery’ as tooth fairy money taxed

Business secretary Vince Cable announced that from September money paid to children by the tooth fairy will be means-tested and subject to tax.

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Posted: Jul 23rd, 2010
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Christmas in jeopardy after Santa refuses CRB check

Santa Clause‘We rather feel that if a childless man is to be granted nocturnal access to the bedrooms of millions of children around the world, he should submit to some basic investigation.’

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Posted: Dec 4th, 2009
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London Zoo faced with closure as all animals fail CRB checks

not endangered enough, under new guidelinesA top tourist attraction faced an uncertain future last night as it transpired that every single animal residing within the facility has an inappropriate past, rendering them ineligible to come into contact with the millions of children who visit the zoo every year. ‘We were horrified to find this exhalted children’s insitution awash with murderers, thieves and gross sexual offenders,’ said a representative of Westminster Council. ‘How on Earth can we possibly sanction the exposure of our children to a place where every single inhabitant boasts a public decency conviction for appearing naked in public? Except for Jim Lad the Parrot, of course, with whom the board was satisfied that the roller skates he dons for his twice-daily show constituted suitable attire.’

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Posted: Sep 15th, 2009
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