‘February, unlike most other months, is known to drift over time and can be affected by a range of climactic and meteorological factors,’ explained the lead researcher. ‘While a traditional February usually oscillates between 28 and 29 days, it’s now known that during the last ice age Februaries of up to 34 days were not uncommon. We can only assume that a dramatic shortening of February is the direct result of man’s impact on the environment.’

However, the research findings have immediately been challenged by climate change sceptics who claim that leaked emails show the figures have been selectively chosen and that 2012 will almost certainly have the longest February of the decade so far.

‘February is following a natural rhythmic cycle and there is absolutely no evidence that carbon emissions have any impact on the length of this month,’ argued Elias Jones from the Exxon Institute for Climatic Chronology, based in Salt Lake City, Utah. ‘It’s absurd to suggest that a spot of man-made pollution could affect the time we have on this planet.’

‘This whole thing is just as much of a conspiracy as the arguments against creationism,’ continued Jones. ‘I don’t know what anyone finds so hard to follow. The Earth was created on 29 February in a Leap Year and so is only a quarter of the age that these Big Bang fanatics claim.’

‘For the first time, Crab 2.0 comes with the ability to move forwards and backwards rather than sideways,’ said the Almighty, speaking in a stentorian voice and wearing his trademark turtleneck halo. ‘In the old version you never knew if the crab was coming or going, so this is a considerable breakthrough for crustacean technology. However, we have had to compromise the design with a rear-view mirror so they can get used to new methods of navigation.’

God admitted that the DNA evolution software He had fitted to all living creatures at the beginning of creation had proved to be rather unreliable, so He had been forced to abandon other projects and stepped in to improve the design attributes of several creatures. But He refused to apologise for the delay in upgrading the crab.

‘It takes time to get these things right,’ He said. ‘We have to remember what happened to the unicorn. We rushed the release of the new version and, thanks to a glitch in the DNA programming, it evolved into the rhinoceros.’

As well as rolling out the new crab, God took the opportunity to launch improvements to several other products with a much welcomed fourth toe for the three-toed sloth, a more varied diet for the anteater and a software patch for the canine which improves its reproductive functions by stopping it shagging people’s legs. There were gasps from the assembled throng when He announced the breakdancing horse which He described as ‘perhaps the ultimate in equine development’.

God closed His address by warning that He would continue to be ruthless in protecting his design rights. ‘There are rumours that Serpent Enterprises are about to launch a Zebra in white with black stripes. This is no more than a minor cosmetic alteration from my original black with white stripes patent, so if they go ahead with this product they should be warned that they’re heading for a good smiting.’

The Gong of Fur (hat-tip to ianslat)

The single celled organism, created by Dr Craig Venter and his team, was said to be ‘outraged’ when it discovered that a supernatural being, not subject to any form of regulatory control, was still involved in the creation of life.

‘I cannot believe that God would be so irresponsible,’ said the synthetic cell, ‘creation is clearly a matter for scientists. This God guy should butt out and learn to accept His place in the grand scheme of things.’

Many ethicists believe that God has repeatedly overstepped the mark. ‘Nobody objects to the Lord producing a few miracles here and there,’ said philosopher AC Grayling, ‘but when he starts playing around with the very stuff of creation then He has clearly exceeded his remit. I am beginning to think that this omnipotence thing has gone to His head.’

God’s continued tampering with scientific matters has already been blamed for numerous ‘all-mighty blunders’ including Flu, Malaria, HIV and Piers Morgan. ‘He cannot be allowed a monopoly on this level of unregulated power,’ said Dr Venter, ‘that is why I am currently seeking to patent the genetic code for omnipotence so that we can keep His crazy meddling under some kind of control.’

A spokesman for the Lord said, ‘God has been working on this project for almost 15 billion years. Yes, He has made a few mistakes along the way but that is to be expected. This is still very much a work in progress and, dare I say it, a process of evolution.’

Speaking at a press conference, the synthetic cell said: ‘Dr Venter created me and I owe my loyalty to him. He’s the daddy now. God might be omniscient but, let me assure you, He doesn’t know everything.’

However, Clunk, of the cave not quite so near the water, disagreed profoundly: ‘Clunk not share Uggh hypothesis.  Evolution make sense.  Look at hairy bastard Uggh, him proof of monkey lineage. Clunk see him worship dead weasel.  Before that, he worship rock.  He be Church of England next,’ at which point a holy war broke out.

 
Jason O’Mahony

In a severe blow to the credibility of evolutionary science, biologist Richard Dawkins admitted today that Darwin’s theory of evolution could offer no rational explanation for the continued existence of creationists. The process of natural selection sees genes which provide an advantage in the battle for survival being preserved across generations, but scientists can find no useful purpose for the gene which leads people to believe that the earth was created in only six days about 10,000 years ago.

‘It’s a flaw in our argument, for sure,’ said Dawkins today. ‘By any reading of evolutionary theory, creationists ought to have died out ages ago. They serve no function in the planet’s ecosystem, and no other species has survived so long while in such fundamental disagreement with observable reality. If I wasn’t such an ardent believer in secular materialism, I’d wager this is really troubling Darwin in the afterlife.’

Despite Dawkins’ concession, scientists are quick to point out that recent years have seen significant advances in our understanding of the evolutionary history of creationists. Not so long ago biology was unable to trace the emergence of the species in the fossil record, but a seemingly close correlation between modern-day American creationists and National Rifle Association members suggests they descended from a group of early hunter-gatherers who exploited another sub-group naive enough to think a man wouldn’t use deadly force to protect his property – a group that is itself all but extinct except in small British enclaves where Liberal Democrats continue to thrive.

Not all biologists are convinced by this explanation, however, and a number of mavericks still cite creationists as evidence of a process of ‘natural aberration’ in which nature sometimes gets it spectacularly wrong, a theory popularised as ‘unintelligent design’. And, like their closest living relative the ostrich, the creationists have benefited considerably from the efforts of conservationists. A vast building programme dating back centuries has provided large unheated refuges in most Western towns, and some creationists have formed closed communities to strengthen their resistance to the advances of modernity. Scientists also suspect that a strong distaste for abortion and homosexuality has probably helped keep population sizes up.

Confirmed atheist Richard Dawkins was forced onto the defensive yesterday after he died but subsequently rose from the dead in a miraculous resurrection, much like that of the son of God Jesus Christ.

‘There are a number of perfectly logical scientific explanations for what has happened’ he told journalists flocking to hear his story or just touch the hem of his clothing. ‘Although I was pronounced dead after the unfortunate incident on Friday, the doctors clearly made a mistake. The fact that there was thunder and lightning, and those around claim to have heard the sound of angelic voices is completely irrelevant.’

Dawkins suffered a shocking but ironic death on Friday having been seized by a mysterious gang of burly men dressed as Roman soldiers. They nailed him to a cross, and left him there until he died some hours later. However on Sunday, his body was no longer to be found in Slough mortuary, and he was seen walking on the A4 towards his home, where his resurrection was hailed as a miracle.

It is being suggested in some quarters that Richard Dawkins was being taught a lesson by God, who has now given him magical powers including the ability to walk on water and cast out demons. A bitter Pope Benedict said ‘Why is it the naughty ones get all the attention? I have been saying that I definitely, definitely believe in God for ages and I haven’t been given the ability to perform a single miracle. Unless you count progressing from the Hitler Youth to being God’s representative on Earth, I suppose.’

Despite the miraculous events of the past few days, Richard Dawkins was standing by his militant atheism. ‘All of it can be explained by science and rational thought’ he insisted to reporters outside his front door. At this point a leper rushed through the crowd, and kissed Dawkins’ feet, only to stand up apparently totally cured of her hideous affliction. ‘OK, that is pretty impressive, I admit’ said the author of The God Delusion. ‘Oh shit, I think I’m going to get pissed.’ At that he touched a bottle of mineral water, turning it into Chateau Lafite 1967, and slunk inside to drink it.

See also: Atheism renounced to avoid working bank holiday weekend.

‘The religious right are always harping on about so-called ‘Intelligent Design’ but both the irrational and rational response has to be ‘bollocks’,’ said anti- creationism campaigner Sean Duff. ‘Why would anyone intelligent put something as sensitive as testicles in a little sack on the outside? Surely this proves the concept of ‘Unintelligent Design’?

Duff launched his campaign by turning up to a Christian festival in Southampton, handing out full colour leaflets featuring the parts of the human body that proved the stupid design theory. A number of elderly churchgoers were seen holding the pictures upside down to try and make out what was illustrated.

‘What great master plan had hair falling out of your head, but starting to grow hair out of your ears at the same time? What’s so intelligent about blackheads, or dandruff, or vaginal discharges? And as for hair in your bum crack, well I can’t think of anywhere else you’d would want it less.’

This unexpected speech rather mis-judged the mood of the Good News Senior Christians Festival and Mr Duff was asked to leave. When he refused a couple of police officers took him outside, and using a knee, vigorously reinforced Duff’s point about the poor choice of location for the male testes.