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Posts Tagged ‘credit crunch’

Food banks ‘too big to fail’ warns think tank

UK food banks have become so large and interconnected they cannot possibly be allowed to fail claims an independent think tank. Writing in The Economist, Bank of England Chairman Mark Carney agreed with the evidence put forward by the policy researchers, saying he thought they had got it spot on.

Food distribution centres are now such an integral part of government policy it is unthinkable what would happen should they be allowed to go under said Carney. ‘These banks are at the heart of the nation’s service industry, employing thousands of people and serving millions of customers across the UK. They can be seen on every high street and shopping mall and have come to represent everything this government stands for’ he added.

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Posted: Jan 4th, 2014
More from Politics



Black Friday ‘was dry run for Zombie Apocalypse’

Consumers across the world were given the opportunity to hone their survival skills, as branches of Wal-Mart simulated the collapse of civilisation. Mindless, reanimated corpses hungry for discounted TVs swarmed over unsuspecting shop assistants, chanting: ‘Braaaaains…braaaaains….br- oh three for two offer, bargain!’

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Posted: Dec 2nd, 2013
More from News In Brief



Mr Blobby confirmed as new Co-op Chief Executive

has all the required qualificationsMottled 1990s variety performer Mr Blobby was confirmed last night as the new Chief Executive of the ailing Co-operative Bank.
The grinning pink and yellow inflatable would bring to the role of Chief Executive a greater sense of decorum, gravitas and reassurance to the bank’s customers than his predecessor, claimed one insider.

‘We’re delighted to have appointed Mr Blobby to lead our organisation through this difficult period. His name is synonymous with integrity, fiscal responsibility and prudent planning. And he’s thick skinned enough to bounce back from any early setbacks. Literally’.

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Posted: Dec 1st, 2013
More from Business



Co-operative Bank to become totally un-co-operative by 2015

it's mutual‘By the end of this week expect counter staff to mutter fractiously under their breaths, give wrong information and refuse to give small change, with much longer waits for telephone banking by the end of the year,’ said Laker Smythe, the Co-op’s new Chief Executive. He also announced that a growing number of call centre operators will start adopting outrageous fake Indian accents next month, though all the bank’s call centres are currently in the UK. For those waiting to talk to a customer service person, Vivaldi’s Four Seasons will be played by Rochdale Middle School Orchestra, labelled by Ofsted as ‘failing’. In Spring 2014 a recorded voice will tell waiting customers ‘Your call is of waning importance to us.’

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Posted: Oct 23rd, 2013
More from Business



Bank of Mum and Dad near crisis after Mum ‘attempts to float off Dad’

both sides need to recapitalise, and fast, before it's too lateThe phone lines of the well-respected Bank of Mum and Dad have been jammed by accountholders after rumours that the Dad side of the business has been in ‘secret deals’ with an allegedly ‘inappropriate non-financial institution’, with huge sums of the bank’s reserves unaccounted for. This has led the Mum side of the business to initiate a ‘float off’ of the more lucrative Dadbank franchise, and rumours that the Mum side might look for ‘temporary partnerships’ with newer, ‘more experimental’ institutions to ease the coming crisis and plan for future holdings.

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Posted: Aug 28th, 2013
More from Business, Lifestyle