Gordon Brown promised sweeping legislation for the Criminal Justice System last night by appearing to give homeowners the green light to ‘tickle’ anyone breaking into their home.
Posted: Feb 23rd, 2010
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An elderly widow has agreed an undisclosed settlement with a burglar who broke into her home, after the biscuit she offered him contained nuts that were potentially fatal to the violent armed robber.
Posted: Jan 4th, 2010
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Convictions for cartoonish villainy have dropped by nearly 70% since Labour came to power, new Home Office statistics reveal.
The figures show that in 2008 only two women were tied to railway tracks by convicted cape-wearing moustache-twirling scoundrels, down from nearly 1,000 in 1928. ‘This is a vindication of the government’s criminal justice policy over the last twelve years,’ said Home Secretary Alan Johnson. ‘We have always said we would be tough on the causes of crime, and these statistics prove that we were right to ban the sale of velvet capes, top hats and moustache-twirling equipment to anybody with a criminal record.’
Posted: Oct 16th, 2009
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An extensive study of court cases involving American legal luminaries such as Quincy, the California Highway Patrol and Magnum PI has exploded the myth that no-good punks invariably get off scot free.
Posted: Oct 13th, 2009
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Human rights campaigner Amnesty International has stunned the international community by brokering a non-intervention treaty with nations that still enforce the death penalty, on the understanding that the condemned are to be given a fighting chance of an elaborate escape. ‘We have agreed to lay off countries that insist on taking human life, often after grave miscarriages of justice, so long as they promise to use slower and less effective methods of execution in order to give prisoners at least one last chance of escape,’ said an Amnesty spokesperson. ‘Over the years we’ve tried to have the death penalty abolished, but we realise now that is never going to happen. And frankly, some of these bastards have it coming.’
Posted: Aug 17th, 2009
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