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Posts Tagged ‘crime’

Crime victims urged to look less ‘victimmy’

‘We’re very busy and we really don’t need the hassle of investigating crimes against wimps who, frankly, invite it,’ a Met spokesman said. ‘When you consider how much crime is caused by people looking like victims, really we should be charging them with wasting police time.’

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Posted: Aug 15th, 2014
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ISIS rebrand to IS ‘a great success’, as group vanishes from Google results

The well-known barbarian horde has declared today that the work of its image consultants in reimagining its brand has ‘exceeded all expectations’.

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Posted: Aug 9th, 2014
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Veteran dog walker finally finds corpse in woods

After years of waking up early to take his dog for a walk through the woods, retiree Mike Edwards has finally found a corpse. The grim discovery, which he suspects will be the first of many, was made early yesterday morning when he noticed a hand sticking out from beneath some leaves.

‘I’ve been walking my dog through the woods every morning since I retired fifteen years ago’, said the 67-year-old. ‘Everybody knows that all dog walkers eventually find something like this, but I’ve not once found a mangled body or a skeleton. I’ve never even come across a discarded running shoe with the foot still inside. That all changed today; it’s terribly exciting’.

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Posted: Aug 6th, 2014
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Special K women in court on suspicion of theft

A gang of beautiful women appeared in court today facing charges of theft and trespassing. The women of mixed origins were nabbed last week at a barn in Kent where Police found them feasting on their ill-gotten grains.

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Posted: Aug 6th, 2014
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Loss Adjuster comes out of retirement for ‘one last job’

When Clive Barnes of Barnes & Snodgrass Loss Adjusters turned up unannounced at the Costa del Sol villa of his former colleague Trevor Clark his wife Angie knew what it meant.

‘Trevor promised me years ago that he’d given up the loss adjusting game for good but when Clive turned up I knew that he wouldn’t be able to resist one last job’ sobbed Angie. ‘Clive told him it was a big one – a bank on the King’s Road. It was fire and water damage he said, just like the old days. He wanted Trevor because he was experienced and he needed a cool head, not some cocky kid still wet behind the ears.’

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Posted: Jul 19th, 2014
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