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Posts Tagged ‘crime’

All police investigations ‘on hold’ until all historical investigations completed

Experts believe that ‘approximately a quarter of all serving officers are engaged on Operation Yewtree, twenty percent on historical abuse complaints and the remainder on investigating police cock ups at Hillsborough, the Miner’s strike and ‘that fracas outside the House of Commons’.

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Posted: Jun 17th, 2015
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Police apologise for referring to tattoos as ‘distinctive’

could be anyone...A police spokesman has issued a public apology today for recent reports suggesting that certain suspects had ‘distinctive tattoos’. ‘For example, we recently stated that a suspect wanted in connection with a triple murder had a distinctive spider’s web tattoo on his neck. ‘It has been confirmed that this narrowed the list of suspects in the UK to around 500,000 people, predominantly male, many below the age of thirty-six and with an IQ of 90 or less.

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Posted: Jun 1st, 2015
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Hatton Garden raid response ‘within guidelines’, say police

'Hatton, Hatoff, it's all the same to us'Police looking into the hole in the wall at Hatton Garden after a vault heist confirmed that their response is entirely in line with current policy to downgrade minor crimes such as domestic burglary.

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Posted: Apr 26th, 2015
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‘Whoever smelt it dealt it’, claims Assad, denying use of chemical weapons

Syrian president Bashir Assad has denied dropping chlorine gas on a town in the northeast of the country, citing an outdated technicality in international law. The clause, which dates back to 1873, states: ‘whoever smelt it dealt it,’ implying that rebel groups might have released the harmful gas themselves, presumably in order to gain international support.

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Posted: Mar 20th, 2015
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Philanthropist Murdoch extends back to work scheme to useless manager

Unlike many employers, who would have baulked at the idea of re-employing a manager who failed to notice massive organisational corruption, Rupert Murdoch has generously provided a job at media agency Storyful to criminally inept former editor Rebekah Brooks.

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Posted: Mar 6th, 2015
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