Deputy Commissioner Tim Godwin is convinced this is the best way of countering the worrying rise in shootings on the streets of the capital. ‘Everybody knows that the best way of dealing with an issue effectively is with a snappy acronym. Since the introduction of SOCA there has been virtually no serious or organised crime in Britain, and the COBRA committee has proved capable of solving all sorts of problems, including the innovative proposal to disperse riots by making it rain. We firmly believe that the right acronym could solve the problem at a stroke, and without any tricky business like trying to understand the cause of the problem, or engaging with the community.’

Struggling for inspiration, the Met are now hoping that a member of the public will step forward and provide the answer. ‘We’ve pretty much settled on the fact that we want it to spell RIFLE’ continued Mr Godwin, ‘because that’s nice and sensitive. But we can’t come up with anything plausible to get to it, despite trying all kinds of words that sound vaguely impressive without really meaning anything. So far we’ve got ‘Reactive, Innovative, Firearms Lessening Effort’, which is frankly a bit rubbish.’

Initial public response has been encouraging, with many people taking the opportunity to try to help out. There has even been a suggestion that the planned use of RIFLE may be abandoned after one particularly impressive suggestion of ‘Tactical Weapons And Threat Solutions’ caught the imagination.

Pushy criminals routinely check HMI Prison reports before hitting a target, leading to a crime surge in private prison catchment areas with a resulting squeeze on insurance premiums and drop in house prices.

Freddie ‘Mr Big’ Shields told us: “I drive Freddie Junior into Birmingham, help him break into some lock-ups then call the police myself to make sure he’s nicked in the right place. See, in private jails there are smaller classes for woodwork, the she-bitches are better-looking and they can all conjugate Latin verbs.”

An unrepentant Mr Big went on, “I’m not willing to compromise on this. You only get one chance to put your kids through the system and like all parents I want the very best for Freddie Junior.”

Milo Shame

The family, known as the Royals for their pre-eminence in the criminal underworld, have for years made a living by fleecing the public for protection money. But now Phil stands ready to liquidate a young family member known as Andy ‘Duke of York’ just as soon as he gets the nod from much-feared clan matriarch Liz ‘Corgis’ Windsor.

‘Even though Phil The Greek only entered the Royal clan by marriage, he quickly became its toughest enforcer,’ commented undercover journalist James Whittaker, who boasts unrivalled contacts in Britain’s secretive criminal clans. ‘So when Organic Charlie’s wife went off with some greaser all those years ago, it’s only natural they turned to Phil to get the happy couple whacked in a tunnel in Paris.’

According to insiders, Andy ‘Duke of York’ has brought embarrassment on the Royals by flaunting his associations with some shady goons in Florida and Libya. And though Phil the Greek had retired from his hitman role when he was refused permission to whack Andy’s wife ‘Freebie Fergie’ – ‘Dumb broad called her daughters Beryl and Evian or something like that,’ said Phil, miming popping a cap in her ass – reports now suggest he is sorely tempted to come back for one last big job.

‘You know the trouble with these young kids? They had it too easy,’ Phil reportedly told an associate at a strip joint last night. ‘When I started out on the mean streets of Corfu, I didn’t got two palaces to rub together. That little York sleazeball acting the big guy, he better learn some respect or he’s gonna find a present in his bed and a very unhappy polo team, capisc?’

But while some insiders are urging Phil The Greek to rub Andy out, others regard him as a loose cannon with his best years behind him. ‘Phil’s too old for this game,’ said underworld insider Richard Kay. ‘He should pass his lead-weighted baton on to Peter ‘The Prop’ Phillips and stick to insulting deaf Chinese orphans when they present him with a papier maché model of a crown.’

Those close to Phil The Greek have hinted that Andy might meet his fate at a big family occasion in April. ‘Phil said something about killing two birds with one stone. All I’ll say is you don’t get that type of confetti over the counter in Clintons, and you might want to steer clear of the cake.’

Adapted by Oxbridge from the original by Rikkor, with contributions from thisisall1word, Riesler and Rick Westwell.

‘Until I found out how much I loved stealing, I thought I’d go the same way as my brother who plays for West Ham. My parents were already struggling to live with the shame of having one son playing ‘the beautiful game’, and, with their moral guidance, I found the confidence to try something new. I started off small after Dad suggested a bit of petty crime might snap me out of football. He took me to a local shop where we stole a few groceries to kick-start my habit.

At the same time, my brother was suffering with life in the limelight. The paps followed him wherever he went, and his trophy wife never gave him a moment to himself. Worse still, he was shackled to his club by a multi-million pound six year contract. Who’d choose that?’

With his brother’s mistakes foremost in his mind Dean resolved to see his dreams through.  ’I now had the goal of a steady life in jail to aim for, and everything fell into place. Each hit was bigger than the last as I grew in confidence, and the thought of slipping back in to football drove me on to achieve a job big enough to get me to court. I managed that with a textbook flawed bank robbery that anyone would have been proud of, and now I find myself here in Wormwood Scrubs. I still have nightmares where I’m running out at Wembley for a Cup Final, but they are happening less often. Now I feel confident that when I get out of here, I can resist the temptation for a harmless kick around in the park and stay clean for good.’

London Mayor Boris Johnson has sparked controversy with a plan to demolish the Olympic stadium immediately after the end of the 2012 Olympics to make way for a derelict wasteland for petty criminals and drug pushers.

Under plans currently being drafted by private developers, the stadium will remain in place for only one week after next year’s Olympic Games, which it is estimated is exactly how long it will take investors to realise that no one is the slightest bit interested in athletics. It will then be demolished to make way for a massive retail park and entertainment complex, but the investors will quickly run out of money leaving a blighted wasteland to be used for gang violence and torching stolen cars.

‘This exciting plan will allow the Cockneys to do what they do best!’ exclaimed an enthusiastic Boris Johnson, unveiling the scale model of the rubble-strewn wasteland. ‘In the dangerous, semi-demolished ruins of the Olympic village, young entrepreneurs can learn to deal crack cocaine and spread sexually transmitted diseases. It’s no good pretending that young Londoners are the slightest bit interested in the triple-jump or throwing the discus. They want somewhere they can go for drugs, sex, and violence and this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to provide it.’

But former Olympic gold medal winner Sebastian Coe has slammed the plans to destroy the multi-million pound Olympic Stadium and all the infrastructure that was promised in the London bid. ‘If these plans go ahead, then England will be without a 50,000 seater stadium for people to look at a running track. Is that what people really want? Can we really envisage a society where tens of thousands of people do not want to travel miles and queue to spend ten seconds watching the 100 metres?’

However defenders of the plan point out that various sporting activities will continue on the former Olympic site, including East End variations on boxing, fencing and the numerous shooting events. ‘We might even see a bit of synchronized swimming,’ said one local, ‘if we happen to find a few rival gang members hanging out down by the towpath.’

‘John ‘the Non-Stick Don’ Grimbino is settling in nicely in his new home, a high-security state penitentiary in upstate New York,’ says the letter’s author, Tony ‘Words’ Fuggedi. ‘He’s really made an impression with everyone there and has already amassed a record number of privileges and a very nice job in the prison library. In fact, there hasn’t been a single reported breach of the ‘no talking’ rule since a prisoner slipped on a stray dust-jacket and fell down some stairs.’

The letter reports that cousin Vinnie has jacked in the numbers racket and is now forging a new career in cut-price pharmaceuticals. ‘He’s making more money than he knows what to do with, but somehow Uncle Vito’s restaurant always seems to need investment, so the IRS shouldn’t be able to persecute yet another successful Grimbino entrepreneur.’

‘Of course, there have also been some sad occasions this year,’ continued the letter. ‘Cousin Joseppi hasn’t been seen since the summer when his loanshark business really looked like taking off, and unfortunately Lucky Luka got whacked after disrespecting one of the Carbano family. Still, these things happen, and it was a great excuse to get the family together. Let’s hope next time we meet under happier circumstances!’

The letter also reports that the twins, Luigi and Giovanni, are coming on leaps and bounds. ‘Luigi performed his first hit this year and Giovanni took the rap for him, though the case collapsed when a number of witnesses finally saw sense. Those two are going to be giving the authorities the run around for some time to come!’

‘And last but not least, the New Jersey Garbage company is holding up very nicely indeed. A number of hostile members of the local authority suddenly had a change of heart, and this year could see a record number of refuse collection contracts coming our way!’

‘Best wishes for the New Year,’ ends the unsolicited letter which recipients report discovering on their pillow when they woke, and the same night as their pets disappeared. ‘And fingers crossed that there’s no reason for you and your loved ones not to enjoy a happy and, above all, unharmed 2011. Would be great to catch up with you all soon, not least to clear up any misunderstanding about payment of your protection money.’

Security guard Jermaine Horrocks was responsible for apprehending Simmonds, and explained he had become suspicious after Simmonds left the shop only 5 minutes after coming in. ‘Around this time of year you’re not getting out with the smallest thing in less than an hour – and he wasn’t doing what any decent person does when they’re seen in the vicinity and insisting to anyone that could hear him that he’d only come in for the cheap batteries.’

In mitigation, Simmonds, 37, told the court that the shoplifting was not for personal gain, but to give a little seasonal thank you to his brother and his partner who were ‘havin’ a hard time what with me staying with them and all that.’

‘For my brother I was getting a sticky backed plastic loo seat cover with a picture of some dolphins on it. His dream is to go swimming with dolphins before he dies. Not that he’s dying or nothing. I thought pissing with dolphins is the next best thing to swimming with them.’

‘And for Courtney,’ he continued, ‘as she is on a health kick at the moment, I lifted some vapour rub. It says it’s good for chests and I was half hoping she might let me help her put it on. Of course, that’s my dream not hers.’

After pleading guilty to the charge, Simmonds asked for the Brink’s-Mat and Great Train Robberies to be taken into consideration, but when challenged he admitted that he was only trying to ‘big up’ his crime to cover his embarrassment.

Following plea bargaining Simmonds was given a fine of £100 which was cut, for one day only, to a tenner. He was also instructed to repay every penny of the value of the stolen goods to their full worth of £2 and ordered to serve at the till at Poundland for 30 hours. However, on successful appeal this was reduced to six months on the sex offenders wing in Wormwood Scrubs.