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Posts Tagged ‘crime’

Polish Jack the Ripper ‘probably had a free council house too’, claim UKIP

The mystery surrounding Britain’s most notorious serial killer ‘Jack the Ripper’ has finally been solved this week, after ‘conclusive DNA evidence’ revealed him to be Polish immigrant Aaron Kosminski, a hairdresser living in Whitechapel. The startling revelation has caught the attention of the world, including UKIP, who have already claimed that Kosminski was ‘probably a sponger’.

‘This just proves that, even nineteenth-century England would have been a safer place, had UKIP been around’, said party leader Nigel Farage today. ‘Looking at his handy work, I always guessed he was eastern European. He no doubt arrived illegally and was given a massive council house, or whatever the equivalent was back then’.

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Posted: Sep 7th, 2014
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Criminals asked to push themselves down the stairs by ‘over-worked’ police

Goodbye, Goodbye, GoodbyeAn inspection of police forces in England and Wales has reported that crime suspects are being asked to racially abuse themselves, plant their own incriminating evidence, and if the police are really busy, push themselves down the stairs on the way to the holding cells.

Offenders everywhere are protesting at further degradation to an already limited service. ‘Really, service is parlous,’ complained career criminal, Cecil ‘Nutter’ Smythe, from Gosport. ‘It is almost as if the police aren’t there. How are we supposed to rest easy knowing that some activities such as car crime are being effectively decriminalised?’

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Posted: Sep 5th, 2014
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Crime victims urged to look less ‘victimmy’

‘We’re very busy and we really don’t need the hassle of investigating crimes against wimps who, frankly, invite it,’ a Met spokesman said. ‘When you consider how much crime is caused by people looking like victims, really we should be charging them with wasting police time.’

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Posted: Aug 15th, 2014
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ISIS rebrand to IS ‘a great success’, as group vanishes from Google results

The well-known barbarian horde has declared today that the work of its image consultants in reimagining its brand has ‘exceeded all expectations’.

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Posted: Aug 9th, 2014
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Veteran dog walker finally finds corpse in woods

After years of waking up early to take his dog for a walk through the woods, retiree Mike Edwards has finally found a corpse. The grim discovery, which he suspects will be the first of many, was made early yesterday morning when he noticed a hand sticking out from beneath some leaves.

‘I’ve been walking my dog through the woods every morning since I retired fifteen years ago’, said the 67-year-old. ‘Everybody knows that all dog walkers eventually find something like this, but I’ve not once found a mangled body or a skeleton. I’ve never even come across a discarded running shoe with the foot still inside. That all changed today; it’s terribly exciting’.

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Posted: Aug 6th, 2014
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