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Posts Tagged ‘crime’

Job Centre commends escaped robber for finding work so quickly

Bosses at the Job Centre have expressed how pleased they are today following the news that escaped convict Michael “Scull Cracker” Wheatley was able to find work just days after leaving prison.

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Posted: May 8th, 2014
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Radio 1 to downgrade DJs from ‘perverts to crooks’

In what is being seen as another cost-cutting measure by the BBC, their flagship radio station has been forced to curtail expensive ‘extra-curricular activities’ by their presenters and offer more ‘revenue neutral’ illegalities. Staff development with the corporation will now focus on what DJ’s can ‘bring in’ in terms of ‘ill-gotten gains’, including rigging the Top 40 for the benefit of Far Eastern betting syndicates and melting Fearne Cotton down into gold bullion.

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Posted: Feb 25th, 2014
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Crime falls by 10% as austerity hits burglars

The Crime Survey of England and Wales has shown that crimes against adults and households fell by 10% in the last year, further proof of austerity hitting every part of society. Rising prices of tools and a sharp fall in prices on the black market has seen the average burglar ‘barely break even’.

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Posted: Jan 23rd, 2014
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‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan found not guilty of shooting unarmed civilians

did he violate six statutes, or only five?In a controversial ruling, no-nonsense cop ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan walked free from a federal court yesterday after a jury acquitted him of the ‘targeted hits’ of lowlife, good-for-nothing punks.

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Posted: Jan 20th, 2014
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Pensioner not badly shaken after being shaken badly

‘When I saw this yob coming at me, I was expecting at least a black eye or a broken nose,’ Brennan said. ‘But all he did was shake me by the shoulders for a bit, before saying he was Kyle Deekins of 51 Spencer Street, Daventry. This was the most pathetic mugging I’ve ever had. I’m devastated.’

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Posted: Jan 13th, 2014
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