An anonymous source from SO19, the armed division of the Met voiced his excitement in the run up to the games. ‘Personally I can’t wait to put months of arduous training into action, and actually start shooting people. I can’t tell you too much, but we’ve basically got a license to shot dodgy looking brown people. It’s going to be like a state sanctioned version of Grand Theft Auto, with institutional racism thrown in. I can’t wait.’

However most experts agreed that the games appear likely to pass without incident, after which ‘those whacky terrorists will probably just send another couple of nutters to blow themselves up on the tubes again’, leaving Britain free to pursue that bronze in judo without anxiety.

Shandy

One leader said ‘while we welcome European visitors, we are concerned that they bring ‘Daily Mail Law’ with them. This barbaric system allows for shoplifters, car thieves, suspected murderers or anyone accused of being a ‘paedo’ to be publicly denounced then hung without any kind of judicial oversight.’

‘Admittedly, we do stone people to death for crimes -but we do at least have a council of elders review the case first. The supporters of the ‘Daily Mail Law’ don’t believe in such fair trials. Take the UK riots for example: people were put in prison for years just for proposing stealing something. We would only punish people caught stealing, not those proposing to do it on Facebook.’

The spokesman concluded ‘This legal system may have worked in the European Dark Ages, when burning people for witchcraft was common – but it is time to move on’.

Steve_l

‘I simply told them that if they didn’t agree with what I was saying they were a DAILY MAIL READING IDIOT,’ said the man, who went on to illustrate his point with a series of personal anecdotes and unverifiable claims. ‘A couple put up some resistance, but when I told them THAT’S WHAT HITLER WOULD HAVE SAID, they threw the towel in pretty quick.’

Chat room experts have previously labelled such tactics as risky and liable to backfire, but now agree that targeted profanity and use of the CAPS LOCK can, in the right circumstances, persuade fellow debaters of the error of their ways. ‘And don’t listen to anyone who says otherwise,’ said one, ’because THEY ARE RIGHT WING TWATS!!!’

Researchers are now exploring whether the edge can be taken off upsetting news by use of the comic sans font.

ronseal (with hat-tips to John Ffith-Rucker and kimllfixit)

Tabloid columnists were up in arms today after battalions of overzealous health and safety officials – dubbed ‘Health and Safety Nazis’ - were seen marching across the Polish border wearing hard hats and high-visibility jackets, and armed to the teeth with clipboards and pens.

‘Just don’t say I didn’t warn you,’ said Richard Littlejohn today. ‘Those Health and Safety Nazis had been getting too big for their steel toe-capped, ankle-supporting boots for too long now. In fact I’m surprised an invasion took them so long, but then I suppose they had all those risk assessments to complete. Who do they think are going round imposing their twisted world view on people? If I didn’t detest the very concept, I’d say this was a flagrant abuse of human rights.’

According to the Daily Mail, Poles had watched anxiously for days as ranks of Health and Safety Nazis had massed along the border. Vehicles reversed into position beeping to warn bystanders of the approaching hazard, while troops manoeuvred heavy equipment by keeping their backs straight, bending their knees and letting their thighs take the strain. At intervals lookouts were stationed on ladders, a fellow officer standing on the lowest rung to provide a safe and secure base at all times.

‘God knows what those killjoys will do,’ continued Littlejohn. ‘They won’t be happy until there are cones around every trip hazard and ‘Slippery when wet’ signs beside all the lakes. I wouldn’t rule out an aerial bombardment of the country with educational leaflets, but not before advance forces have laid out ‘Caution – Men working ahead’ signs. This can’t be allowed to go on – we must find a final solution.’

However, by late afternoon jubilant Daily Mail reporters on the scene were claiming the invasion had failed. ‘Countless captured Poles sustained paper cuts from being forced to read the Nazis’ ‘Staying Safe in the Concentration Camps’ propaganda – it was a bloodbath. Soon after the Führer of the invading force, Adolf Jobsworth, retreated to his bunker, put on protective ear muffs and shot himself in the head with a cap gun. It was a victory for common sense.’

The article quoted one combatant as saying ‘We don’t know when we will get another chance like this again, how many more weeks or months we will have to fight because of this missed opportunity. I blame the EU.’

The article also described gloomy Libyans gathering in public places to fire off despondent rounds of frustration into the air.

Critics have rounded on the Daily Mail for, once again, publishing a story that clearly didn’t happen, complete with quotes that were obviously fabricated. But a spokesman for the newspaper defended the move. ‘We’re just relieved that we didn’t publish the version where Diana’s spirit appears to pro-Gaddafi forces and talks them into giving him up.’

‘Clinical trials have shown that continual ingestion of health scare stories can lead to ill health,’ Dr Maggie Penfold told the Daily Mail yesterday. ‘We are recommending that the government sets guidelines for the safe level of health warnings that a person can safely consume as part of a balanced media diet.’

In tests, previously fit and healthy people were exposed to a series of medical stories ranging from the routine ‘Red wine is good/bad for you’ to the extreme ‘Going to the toilet in Yorkshire causes cancer’. After a twenty day period scientists found that the cumulative effect of exposure to health hysteria caused extreme stress and in some cases physical pain, although they have not ruled out the rather hard chairs in the medical centre as being a contributing factor.

The test results cause a fresh dilemma for Heath Secretary Andrew Lansley who will be forced to decide if he should suppress news of any future ‘flu epidemic in the interests of the nation’s health.

Government officials at Whitehall are known to have already commissioned a study to look in to the possibility of a vaccine against the ravages of excessive health alerts, but, whilst trying to appear upbeat, scientists have gently warned that an effective vaccine may be some way off.

‘The problem with developing a vaccine,’ commented top researcher, Dr Chris Barkway, ‘is that we are unable to test its effectiveness on animals as they cannot understand the health warning. OK, there are more intelligent creatures than laboratory rats to experiment on, dogs for instance, but generally they are better comprehending single words like ‘walkies’ or ‘bath’ rather than phrases such as ‘impending World Health Organisation level six bird flu pandemic.’

Meantime, Mr Lansley has been advised not to read the contents of his ministerial red box more than once a week ‘in the interests of health & safety’.

After years of claiming that the cause of everyone’s problems was asylum seekers, it has been sensationally revealed that the Mail itself is profiting from the very people it campaigns against.

‘It’s a clever tactic’ said once anonymous source; ‘they move attention away from themselves by pointing the finger at everyone else’.  The full extent of the scheme has not yet been discovered, but this story is said to be the ‘tip of the iceberg’. The pictures of writers and names that appear in the paper are all fictitious, it is alleged.

‘We have evidence that brutal gangmasters are forcing teams of Chinese and West African writers to churn out these articles in squalid rooms hidden from the rest of the country.’

When pressed for comment, a spokesman for the Mail replied ‘No speaky! No speaky!’ and ran off into the forest.

Pillhouse

‘I was furious when I read the headline. Who on earth would support bobbies opening fire on innocent women’, asked Derek Jones, a retired police superintendent from Dorset. ‘We didn’t shoot women in my day. We might have prodded a couple of annoying ones with truncheons, and I saw one punched in the tits once. But gunning them down seems a bit harsh.’

But Jones was appalled when he actually read the article. ‘It turned out that the story related to a letter sent to the editor by a bloke in Lincoln. The letter stated that if there were to be cuts in armed response units, female officers shouldn’t be singled out. No-one had suggested that the ‘shooting women’ employed by the police should be made redundant anyway – there was no story at all.’

Jones wrote to the paper concerned to complain about the misleading article. ‘I told them that the media ought to be a bit more responsible and pointed out that women are just as good at handling weapons as men.’

‘On Wednesday however, they ran the headline ‘Police veterans support shooting women’, and quoted me as saying ‘women are amongst the most dangerous groups of gun owners’, the groups being ‘men’ and ‘women’. I’d shot myself in the foot.’

The Metropolitan Police has acted promptly to clarify their position on the debate, issuing a statement saying ‘we remain committed to equal opportunities and welcome shooters from all sexes and nationalities within the force – we’re particularly keen on shooting Brazilians.’