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Posts Tagged ‘Daily Mail’

‘Homeless and destitute are nearly all British’ says relieved government

Immigration Minister Mark Harper has calmed Tory nerves with the news that nearly all the destitute and homeless beggars found huddled in doorways on New Year’s Day were British and not from Eastern Europe.

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Posted: Jan 3rd, 2014
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School places to be allocated on a ‘bagsy’ basis

‘Some critics say that this is harsh, but as we all know, there is no higher authority than a bagsy.’

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Posted: Jan 2nd, 2014
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Bulgarian and Romanian immigrants read Daily Mail and head back home

‘According to the front page of the Daily Mail, I was only coming to the UK to take advantage of the NHS and sponge off the benefits system. A quick flick to page 2 and it seems I am actually going to steal everyone’s job.’

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Posted: Dec 31st, 2013
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South Staffs College removes Savile portrait and hands curatorship to Daily Mail

South Staffordshire College has confirmed today that artistic control of the Art & Design course is to be taken over by the editor of the Daily Mail.

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Posted: Dec 18th, 2013
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‘And that’s why I don’t bother voting anymore’ explains John from Accounts

Office workers in Reading learned of co-worker John Hunter’s reasons for not exercising his democratic right to vote anymore yesterday, during an extensive lecture during their lunch break.

The twenty-seven minute diatribe about ‘The good old days’ with frequent references to how ‘People had respect for each other’ included repeated claims that ‘You didn’t lock your front doors, because you didn’t need to’. At one point John seemingly lost his focus and digressed into details about how ‘I remember when this was all fields’ before returning to the subject in hand and explaining ‘There was none of this Health and Safety nonsense either’.

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Posted: Dec 15th, 2013
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