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Posts Tagged ‘Dave Lee Travis’

‘Nice criminals’ will be forced to wear Hallowe’en masks

the world's just not terrifying enough yetFollowing the conviction of Rolf Harris for a string of sexual assaults, the Secretary of State for Justice, Chris Grayling, is set to announce sweeping reforms to festive Hallowe’en costumes to aid the public in their identification and eventual demonisation of suspected criminals. The Metropolitan Police admitted, that having exhausted its supply of freaky-looking paedophiles to prosecute, Operation Yewtree will now have to include celebrities people actually like.

Previously the government had implemented a system whereby serial killers agreed to grow beards, molesters were given bad haircuts and tax avoiders were required to dress like George Osborne. Unfortunately, the agreed classification has become undermined by the rise of ‘paedo chic’, which has seen the likes of Russell Brand making ironic use of Ted Bundy’s mojo and Lady Gaga looking like a transgender Jimmy Savile.

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Posted: Jul 1st, 2014
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Unmarried middle-aged uncle won’t be putting kisses on cards this Christmas

'Santa doesn't exist, by the way. He's just me.'Unmarried uncle of four, Derek Johnson, has decided not to put kisses on the Christmas card he is sending to his nephews and nieces this year.

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Posted: Dec 11th, 2013
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Suu Kyi reveals how DJ Dave Lee Travis was worse than junta

‘Week after week, month after month, I tuned into Dave’s A Jolly Good Show hoping to hear my letter read out and request played – but it never happened.

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Posted: Jun 22nd, 2011
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World Service to be replaced by Hague FM

The BBC World Service is to be replaced by a rolling 24-hour radio show presented by Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘I have always dreamed of being a DJ,’ said Mr Hague, ‘as a small boy I would regularly spin classic vinyl of the speeches of Winston Churchill. I can’t wait to get down and funky with the global massive.’

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Posted: Jan 27th, 2011
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