David Cameron has joined in the celebration of the 200th anniversary of the birth of Charles Dickens, who is often credited with planting the seeds of social reform, by announcing the return of child labour to the UK. The ‘Little Society’ initiative will see academies turning part of the curriculum over to ‘work-style’ activities.

‘Since the Elementary Education Act of 1880 , a child’s right to work has been consistently eroded,’ Cameron said. ‘Young people are being forced to exist on the meagere pocket money handed out by their stingy parents, unable to break out of the cycle of parent-inflicted poverty. Besides, poor people’s children don’t really like school anyway.’

Young people will be able to gain practical skills like rubbish sorting, sweeping and, of course, chimney cleaning, while being paid in mobile phone credits, Quavers and Red Bull.

‘In one fell swoop, the thugs, mentals and ADHD twitch-arses have been removed. Fuckin’ A!’  a teachers’ spokesman said. ‘Now all we have to do is farm off the few sensitive twattish middle-class moppets remaining and we’re all on easy street.’

Lizzy G, hat tip to FlashArry

The popularity of daytime television has been boosted by the rise in unemployment and recent benefit cuts. ‘People can’t afford the pub, so they stay at home in the afternoon and watch the telly,’ said Joe Dewsbury, 24, a daytime television aficionado.

With daytime television watchers soon outnumbering hard working families, some analysts predict the government will ditch the Big Society concept, though others said to come back and ask them after Jeremy’s finished the DNA results. It is understood that David Cameron is preparing to soon appear on Flog It! to launch his Big Sofa idea.

‘Few people consider what it’s like to be in our shoes,’ admitted Pepe, 32. ‘Clown wages are beyond a joke. We don’t get paid for the time we spend stalking children through their dreams. Out-of-hours visitations are classed as voluntary work, but this isn’t a charity. We need to put custard pies on the table.’

The Prime Minister has so far refused to buckle to a pay increase, although privately he’s known to favour improvements to clowns’ working conditions. In a private meeting with Nick Clegg last week, it’s thought that Cameron admitted, ‘if I don’t do this, Pagliacci will kill me in my sleep.’

Hughesroland

‘It will be impossible to be a racist if everyone is the same colour purple,’ explained Prime Minister David Cameron. ‘We painstakingly searched for the colour that was the least offensive to the populace. Bleaching everybody white was obviously a non-starter; staining people brown could be seen as positive discrimination and green might be offensive to Martians in the event of first contact. After sensitive deliberations we settled on purple. Our public information campaign launches next week and will be fronted by John Terry, Luis Suarez and Diane Abbott.’

During the next few weeks, special dying facilities will be set up in municipal boroughs and parish councils throughout the country. ‘Each person will be required to present themselves at their local facility at a prearranged date where they will be stripped, plunged into a trough of purple liquid and held down with a pole until the dye has permeated every nook and crevice – a bit like sheep dipping really. And in addition to bringing racial equality, being purple makes it easier to conceal your anger and provides natural camouflage against a background of aubergines.’

Critics have, however, blasted the scheme. ‘Purple dye is far too expensive,’ said one activist. ‘Orange would be a far more cost effective colour to use. We’d save loads of money by not needing to dye David Dickinson, Katie Price and or anyone from Essex.’

‘We’ve looked at all the evidence and concluded that Scotland is in a state of permament decline and won’t recover,’ confirmed Mr Cameron. ‘Many of the symptoms are untreatable: stinginess, a love of deep-fried foods, continually producing top-class football managers and a misguided belief that Irn Bru is for drinking. It’s only fair that we let Scotland slip away peacefully into national self-determination.’

Scotland’s representative Alex Salmond welcomed the announcement. ‘Morally, this is the right thing to do,’ he told reporters. ‘Scotland should be allowed to die at home with dignity – although between you and me I’ve got a feeling its chances of survival might be a bit better than Mr Cameron thinks.’

The move has been criticised by American senator Robert Menendez, however. ‘This is a real kick in the teeth for all American citizens who have been victims of Scotland over the years,’ he argued. ‘Hundreds of innocent Americans have been forced to eat haggis on holidays to Scotland, and let’s not forget all the so-called ‘pop’ acts they’ve wilfully inflicted on us – Lulu, the Bay City Rollers, Susan Boyle. And don’t even get me started on tartan. It’s a disgrace, and Britain should be ashamed that it’s even considering setting Scotland free.’

But Mr Cameron defended the decision. ‘The UK has a reputation for compassion and fair play around the world, and this will only serve to strengthen that reputation. I know there are some who think that Scotland isn’t really sick at all, but I say them, just look at how few of them vote Conservative – something’s got to be wrong up there.’

‘They have that innate affinity that marks out all the great synchronised swimming teams,’ said Steve Parry, BBC Sport’s swimming pundit. ‘It’s their shared sense of direction that’s most uncanny. When David suddenly lurches to the right, Nick instinctively follows – they are inseparable. In many ways they remind me of Torvill and Dean, but older, flabbier and with two Deans but no Torvill.’

As the two men proudly modelled their trunks for the press – a pleasant mid-blue with a yellow stripe up the bum crack – reporters predicted medal success for the pair.

‘Nick adds much to the pair’s chances of winning gold. He’s a born follower, and, after two years of hard training, can sync his own movements seamlessly to that of David. He’s a natural in the water, making barely any splash in anything he does. Conversely, the key to David’s leadership of the team is keeping his movements entirely predictable and never disappointing his loyal supporters.’

The British hopefuls will face serious opposition at the Games in the form of the EU’s Merkel and Sarkozy pairing. ‘That couple managed to quash all comers in their European outings so far. They certainly got the better of the British team before Christmas when the Clegg-Cameron team drifted hopelessly apart and David found himself embarrassingly alone in deep water.’

But the British pair remain hopeful. After performing their highly-praised Sorry-Mr-Mainwaring, Stupid-Boy routine for the cameras, Cameron and Clegg finished off with a carefully choreographed manouvre in which both pinched their noses and waggled their heads before sinking slowly without trace beneath the waves.

Immunis

One of the Prime Ministers closest aids commented ‘You have no idea how difficult our job is when faced with somebody of his background and upbringing. His Bullingdon background has shielded him from exposure to minorities and part of his psyche does not accept their existence. That belief, together with his strong sense of superiority makes it so difficult to temper his outbursts. Right from the start we discarded teams of weapon carrying bodyguards, and today the teams of suits you see accompanying him on public appearances are all advisers and censors – mainly preparing public apologies for immediate release’.

For several months Labour MPs have been trying to persuade the Prime Minister to get himself a Twitter account. Dianne Abbot (MP) commented ‘The great thing about Twitter is that you can put your foot in your mouth and continue to Tweet without difficulty’

Deimos

In a statement released by the Lib Dems, they explained that since David Cameron had fostered Mr Clegg as part of the coalition agreement, he has become a different person. ‘If we take him back, it will take years to get ‘our’ Nick back. We asked him who he loved the most, he said that the Tories were his favourite parent.’

But despite the apparently cosy relationship with the Mr Clegg, the Conservative party has also moved to distance themselves from being his legal guardian. ‘We may have brought him a backbone for Christmas, but that is only because we have some more controversial legislation to get though in the new year’ a spokesman from their Millbank Headquarters told us. ‘But the last thing we want is to be responsible for him. We only have him because the Lib Dems elected him leader in the first place. We cannot be held responsible for their mistakes.’

Meanwhile Nick Clegg himself has run away and plans to come forward as soon as there are desperate appeals for him on the news.   No plans for any appeals have been made so far.

Perks