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Posts Tagged ‘David Cameron’

Alien megastructure maybe Heathrow’s third runway

In an attempt to increase aviation capacity while avoiding flightpaths near Tory homeowners, the UK Government has constructed an extra runway orbiting the star known as KIC 8462852. So voracious had been Londoner’s objections that they had insisted that noise pollution would only be tolerable at a distance of 454 parsecs from Earth, or ‘somewhere up north where people vote Labour’.

Being 1,480 light years from the main terminus, baggage-handlers have already raised concerns about round trips to the constellation Cygnus.

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Posted: Oct 19th, 2015
More from Science/Technology

‘Extreme poverty’ unlikely to become an Olympic Sport‏

While five new sports, including ‘Sepp Blatter Accounting’, are set to be added to the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, impoverished activities like ‘ultra-privation’ or ‘uber-penury’ are unlikely to make the cut.  In fact, according to the World Bank, participation in ‘extreme poverty’ has fallen below 10%, putting it on par with English rugby as ‘something no one wants to be part of’.

Ministers, having investing a lot of time in not investing in welfare, had hoped a cut to tax credits might inspire a generation of disenfranchised athletes.  However, using the poverty income figure of $1.90 per day, very few Premiership footballers fall into that category.

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Posted: Oct 6th, 2015
More from Sport

France ends refugee crisis by bombing Syria

With barely 10,000 refugees arriving at the Hungarian border in the last few days, many in the EU were starting to panic that we might run out of dispossessed masses, reasons to vote UKIP or emotive photographs of a child’s abandoned shoe. Fortunately the French government has sprung into action with air strikes in Syria, so as to force the remaining cowering citizens to emigrate using the nearest raft.

NATO members offered their support for the French bombing policy, which had already done such a remarkable job of bringing peace and stability to Iraq before it. In turn the British Prime Minister, David Cameron – who spent much of last year railing against Bashar al-Assad – has now endorsed him as a perfect ‘transitional President’ as Syria transitions from 2016 AD to 2016 BC.

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Posted: Sep 29th, 2015
More from World News

Britain commemorates end of first week of David Cameron pig sex jokes

Events have been taking place across the country to mark a week since the news broke about David Cameron and the Piers Gaveston society, with celebrations honouring the many different ways in which ordinary people communicated the fact that the Prime Minister had sex with a dead pig’s face.

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Posted: Sep 27th, 2015
More from Politics

Cameron ‘passed the port to the right’

New revelations about David Cameron’s student days claim that he ‘wantonly’ passed port in ‘an anticlockwise direction’.

An unnamed source, now a High Court Judge, described an occasion when Cameron allegedly attempted to fill his glass, despite being on the wrong side. ‘Naturally, I enquired whether he knew the Bishop of Norwich – this being the most direct way a gentleman may point out such a faux pas – but Cameron persisted in topping me up. With port I mean, not the other thing’.

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Posted: Sep 26th, 2015
More from Politics