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Posts Tagged ‘David Cameron’

Cameron and Clegg to form ‘sorry duet’

Agents for David Cameron and Nick Clegg have announced today that the talented pair of apologists will form a ‘duet’ to delight their fans with harmonised atonements and excuses. The pair are tipped to top the charts with such classics as, ‘Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word’, ‘Careless Whispers’ and ‘A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You’ by the Monkees.

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Posted: Jun 26th, 2014
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High-speed spinning jenny needed to boost north, claims Osborne

A high-speed spinning jenny shared between Manchester and Leeds could help create a ‘global northern powerhouse’, George Osborne has said. The chancellor said that modern technology meant that a cotton mill hand could work over 120 spindles at once on his proposed high-speed spinning jenny. ‘That’s a lot of yarn,’ he said.

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Posted: Jun 25th, 2014
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Passport backlog: thousands of Brits wanted a holiday in Cornwall all along

'Thank God Rick Stein's not around to see this'Tens of thousands of people who have had to cancel foreign holidays because of the passport backlog have realised that actually they wanted to go to Cornwall all along.

‘We’d booked two weeks on the Costa del Sol,’ said Fred Ashford, from Ashford, ‘but as soon as we knew our passports wouldn’t be ready, we reappraised the situation and found that foreign adventures probably weren’t for us at this time. It turned out that our ideal holiday destination, in terms of climate, food, relaxation, home from home facilities and all that, was Newquay. And if it pisses down all week again, who cares? I intend to have lots of fun in this new pot-bellied surfing wetsuit I bought by not paying £55 each to speed up the passport application.’

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Posted: Jun 12th, 2014
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Cameron acts swiftly to deal with controversial ‘anti-homeless spikes’

A crack squad of Indian fakirs have been flown in to the UK to teach the homeless how to have a good night’s sleep on the 2-inch-long metal spikes which have sprung up all over the UK’s capital to deter rough sleeping in doorways.

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Posted: Jun 9th, 2014
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Nick Clegg to play with tiny steering wheel during Prime Minister’s Questions

he can make all the noises, tooCan use the toy steering wheel to turn left and turn right in accordance with prevailing government policy.

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Posted: Jun 6th, 2014
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