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Posts Tagged ‘David Cameron’

Cameron promises voters free ice-skating ‘when hell freezes over’

In his pre-election speech to the Tory Party Conference last week, David Cameron promised that all taxpayers would receive free ice-skating passes, just as soon as he and George Osborne had managed to engineer the freezing over of hell.

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Posted: Oct 5th, 2014
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Drone strike hits Cameron as he claims to be a ‘friend’ of Afghanistan

The UK Prime Minister was forced to dig himself and the new Afghan President, Ashraf Ghani, out from under a pile rubble – left by the impact of a surgical drone strike.

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Posted: Oct 4th, 2014
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Radical new image set to change Clegg from lickspittle to dangerous maverick

Deputy Prime Minster Nick Clegg is set to unveil a radical change of image at next week’s Liberal Democrat Party conference. In an attempt to appear more enigmatic Clegg will deliver his leader’s speech wearing a patch over his right eye and a large scar on his left cheek.

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Posted: Oct 1st, 2014
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Pavements to be made from mulch

‘Dog ends, ciggy packets, vomit and, of course, copious dog shit, that’s what the public thinks is suitable for leaving on the pavement,’ said the newly appointed Pavements Minister, Sebastian Fanshaw MP. ‘And no pavement has seen a sweeper in years, so no wonder we’re constantly slipping on part-composted crap.’

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Posted: Sep 23rd, 2014
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Cameron to base next election around iTunes

‘Ten years ago, the only way to obtain a legitimate copy of a song you had to buy the whole CD. Now, you just download the songs you want and ignore the rest. We’re going to do this with policy too. Why elect a manifesto that has bugger all to do with you?’

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Posted: Sep 22nd, 2014
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