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Posts Tagged ‘David Cameron’

Next country to be invaded by Russia during an Olympics to be named

The result of the bidding to be the next country to be invaded by Russia during an Olympics are set to be announced at a glitzy ceremony in St Tropez later today.

The competition hasn’t been as fierce as expected in the race to follow in the footsteps of Poland in 1920, Hungary in 1956, the 1968 event in Czechoslovakia and the more recent hosts Georgia and Ukraine as had been expected.

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Posted: Mar 7th, 2014
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UK & US rule out military intervention: Russia actually has WMDs

David Cameron and Barack Obama have today ruled out the possibility of taking any military action in Ukraine, on the grounds that Russia definitely does have Weapons of Mass Destruction. ‘We don’t need to send in Hans Blix to justify anything this time’, explained the Prime Minister.

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Posted: Mar 6th, 2014
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UK celebrates most successful ‘tossing’ innuendo day on record

The Office of National Statistics has revealed that the British public ‘surpassed expectations’ on Shrove Tuesday yesterday, making more ‘tossing’ innuendos than in any other year since records began. The tradition, which was once reserved for the kitchen, has become widespread among the public with phrases such as, ‘let’s have a good toss in the kitchen’ being openly used on daytime television, with the ‘Loose Women’ breaking all previous records on their own.

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Posted: Mar 5th, 2014
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Decisive EU warning on Crimea: ‘Eurovision will be really awkward this year’

Anything but Boom Bang-a-Bang, pleaseEuropean Union leaders have made their first common statement on the Ukraine crisis, warning Russia that its actions leave them no choice but to be ‘really, really frosty’ at this year’s Eurovision Song Contest.

‘The aggressive action of the Russian government towards a sovereign European state is unacceptable,’ the statement reads. ‘We are all completely in agreement that, unless the Crimea is returned to Ukrainian control, we will make things really, really awkward in the green room at this year’s Eurovision, make no mistake. We will certainly not cheer when the Russians come on, we will wave no Russian flags, and if anybody votes for them we will tut, not just firmly, but audibly.’

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Posted: Mar 4th, 2014
More from Politics

MOD planning ‘massive exercise’ north of Hadrian’s Wall

Och aye, the newsThe Ministry of Defence is said to be drawing up plans to ‘stabilise’ Scotland in time for this year’s historic referendum. Leaked official documents have outlined a novel plan to send ‘lots of armed goodwill’ over the border, initially into friendly territory.

A squadron of the RAF regiment, two platoons of territorials, three linguists and a dog-handler from Essex are currently en-route to Carlisle in a fleet of minibuses. Meanwhile, members of the Royal Irish Regiment are said to be catching the evening Stranraer ferry, thus enacting an elegant ‘pincer movement’.

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Posted: Mar 3rd, 2014
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