The commission have warned would-be servants of ‘he who cannot be named’ to check with their GP before embarking on a lifestyle choice that involves consuming nothing but other people’s unhappiness and depression. The human body needs a balanced diet; proteins, carbohydrates, as well as over-symbolic human emotions.

A spokesman for ‘Lord V.’ thanked the commission for their advice, hinting that from the New Year his followers would be calling themselves ‘Death and fresh salad with fruit juice and moderate carbohydrate eaters’.

The Diet and Health Advisory Commission is now said to be scrutinising the diet of the vampires from Twilight, urging them to extend their diet of human blood to include five portions of fruit and vegetables a day.