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Posts Tagged ‘Death’

Pensioners helpfully reminded ‘your days are numbered’

Pensions Minister Steve Webb has proposed that all of the UK’s OAPs should be given a stark reality check in terms of life expectancy. Mr Webb’s understandable concern is that the elderly are unaware of their own mortality and that previous attempts to pursue them with dark storm clouds, circling vultures and ‘a dyspeptic hobgoblin carrying an oversized hourglass’ did not have ‘the desired impact’.

Initially there will be a leaflet campaign depicting images of ‘memento mori’, ‘broken mirrors’ and stills from the ‘Final Destination’ movie franchise. This will be supplemented with a visit by a blind pirate bearing the black-spot, quickly followed by the erection of a glowing white tunnel outside their front door. If the pensioner has still not ‘got the hint’, they will be given a face-to-face consultation with a wailing banshee.

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Posted: Apr 18th, 2014
More from Health



Lung cancer still looks ‘way cool’, say scientists

exclusive club, but always open to new membersScientists and ‘guys with leather jackets’ have hailed the number of smokers across the world reaching the one billion mark as a ringing endorsement of nicotine, pulmonary disease, Dot Cotton and everyone who has appeared in a French film ever.

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Posted: Jan 15th, 2014
More from Health



Cancer still fatal despite NHS Facebook page

‘Fatal diseases are still by-passing our leafleting campaigns,’ admitted Health Minister Jeremy Hunt. ‘The NHS leads the world in leafleting and our use of Facebook as a distribution medium is world-class, so the latest figures are particularly disappointing.’

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Posted: Dec 10th, 2013
More from News In Brief



Humanity needs hope to cope with fear of eternal life, says Dawkins

death now excluded as an optionRichard Dawkins has today admitted that his apparent belief in a bleak godless existence is all a lie founded on a fear of the afterlife. He says that people simply cannot accept that their eternal soul is going to live on indefinitely, even after their physical bodies rot.

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Posted: Oct 31st, 2013
More from Faith



IKEA fire claims 130 stuck on way through

The blaze took hold slowly over the course of 20 minutes, during which many of the fatalities were observed on CCTV developing a morbid urge to keep perusing. 100 of the dead were found with a packet of scented tea lights, a set of pillow cases and a Malmosk.

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Posted: Sep 27th, 2013
More from News In Brief