Fred Ashcroft has ignored every royal celebration since the Queen’s coronation in 1953, which he spent drowning cats in a nearby canal.
Posted: Jun 3rd, 2012
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‘These flags we’ve seen everywhere for the Jubilee are sometimes home-made and usually completely devoid of sponsorship logos,’ said Lord Coe.
Posted: Jun 2nd, 2012
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Supermarket giants including Tesco and Sainsbury’s have led angry calls for the Royal Family to ‘stop fannying about for the Jubilee’ after news emerged that forty fully-stocked supermarkets have been left unopened for months.
‘We’ve been continuing to expand our operations across the United Kingdom,’ said Tesco chief executive Philip Clarke. ‘But since this Diamond Jubilee nonsense started, we’ve been left with 17 stores ready to go but unopened because the Royals are all booked up reading the weather or dancing with Usain Bolt in Jamaica or sailing down the bloody Thames.’
Posted: Jun 1st, 2012
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Fans of old-time nautical industries are celebrating yet another government U-turn, after Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman caved in to public pressure and announced that the Diamond Jubilee Pageant will include a live demonstration of whale-hunting in the Thames.
‘Tens of thousands of people will be gathered to celebrate the Jubilee along the banks of our brownest river ,’ Spelman said at a hastily-arranged press conference. ‘And now they can cheer all the louder as we turn it a much more patriotic red.’
Posted: May 31st, 2012
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‘It’s a royal lesson in how to make do in hard times,’ said royals watcher Desmond Burke of the Duchess’s decision to re-use the £1,200 dress.
Posted: May 31st, 2012
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