Carol Poindexter from Cardiff was one of many who claimed the company should have been more forthcoming about the exclusions and conditions of use on the coupons. ‘It sounded like a great deal, but it’s only when you apply that you find out the offer is only valid on Mondays, which is really not very convenient for myself or my husband because he plays darts on a Monday afternoon. He said he wouldn’t mind if I wanted to go ahead and do it on my own, but it’s not really the same.’

Others were equally dissatisfied when they studied the small print and discovered that the offer was only valid with a pre-existing medical condition, and that instead of lethal injections the discounted Dignitas service relied on trained staff turning off the lights, creeping up beside you in the dark and shouting ‘Boo!’.

‘I managed to survive the whole experience – it was very disappointing,’ said Bertie Jones, 81, from Daventry. ‘Though to be fair, when they saw I hadn’t died they did offer to finish me off with a big stick, but by that point I had an awful headache and decided it wasn’t the best time to go.’

Sue Quezacotl from Poole in Dorset also had a bad experience. ‘She’d been suicidal for many years after a leg waxing accident in 1997,’ said her friend, ‘but after buying the coupon she was so delighted about the considerable saving she’d made that she decided life wasn’t so bad after all, put the coupon aside and rebuilt her life.’

‘However, within a few days she began to be more and more upset about the money wasted on the Groupon voucher, and tried to call them to arrange a refund. Her body was found the next day. Police say she almost certainly strangled herself with her telephone cable while waiting on hold.’

But not everyone was complaining. Arnold Muffet from Lancaster was very excited about his Dignitas booking. ‘To be honest, I wasn’t really thinking about suicide at all, but at these prices – well, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.’

‘This investigation is being presented as an objective and independent review, but the truth is that it is not.’ said Dr Peter Saunders, campaign director of Care Not Killing, ‘The real story is that assisted suicide is extremely dangerous, and our own investigations have found that legalising it could lead to up to 13,000 deaths a year.’

‘I don’t want to put words into anybody’s mouth, but I think these figures speak for themselves, and anybody considering getting a friend or family member to help them end their life needs to be fully aware of all the facts.’

‘If they knew the dangers involved in suicide then I’m sure they’d think twice.’

Although killing a parliamentary bill is still illegal under British law, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley has been given special dispensation to fly it out to Switzerland where it will be terminated by doctors at the Dignitas Clinic.

‘Personally I would have preferred to put the bill into a hospice,’ said Lansley, ‘but the conditions in the House of Lords leave a lot to be desired. Of course we all hoped that during the 10-week listening exercise the bill might show some signs of remission, but every time I spoke to the doctors they told me there was no hope of recovery.’

The BMA has welcomed the decision. ‘While we do not normally approve of physician-assisted suicide, in this case we are prepared to make an exception,’ said a representative. ‘Sometimes the prognosis is so bad that the best option is a quick, painless death, followed by cheering and a street party.’

Various attempts to save the bill had been unsuccessful leaving it with only weeks to live. ‘We knew things had become serious,’ said a tearful Lansley, ‘because the last time I looked at the bill someone had left a sign by its bed reading “Do Not Resuscitate”.’

However, there is concern that some politicians have been placing undue pressure on the bill to have it killed off, purely for their own personal gain. ‘There was no undue pressure,’ insisted Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg. ‘I saw the charts and the figures spoke for themselves – it was going to die, and so were we. All I want is for the bill to be given a peaceful, dignified death – personally that is something I would also like for myself but I guess you can’t have everything.’

The prime minister has denied accusations that the decision represents yet another humiliating U-turn. ‘I prefer not to think of this as a U-Turn,’ said Mr Cameron. ‘As politicians we abide by a code of ethics that says that when things get awkward we change our minds to save our skins. It’s called the Hypocritic Oath.’

‘It seemed like the kindest thing to do’ explained Britain’s European relative Germany. ‘He kept trying to pretend that he was still one of the big boys, entering into military campaigns he couldn’t really afford and acting like he was still one of the major world economies. It was so sad.’

Britain’s estranged cousin the US added ‘At every family get-together he went on and on about how he used to own us and how great the Victorians were, but at the same time he was constantly tagging along behind us and saying we had a special relationship. It was just embarrassing.’

A spokesman for Dignitas told reporters that the end came peacefully. ‘He mumbled something about going to a wedding next month, but we sat him down in front of Eastenders and injected some lethal tea into him, then he just drifted away in his sleep’ he said.

Examples used to develop the guidelines also include suffocating Jordan with a pair of enormous fake breasts and chocking Alistair Darling on his caterpillar eyebrows.

‘These guidelines give us a unique opportunity to have a general clear out of people who we’re all a bit sick of,’ he said. ‘We believe that killing irritating people in amusing ways is in the public interest and hope that the new guidelines will allow concerned citizens to proceed in assisting such suicides with no fear of prosecution. Especially if it’s that bloke off the Go Compare advert. ’

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The controvery has sparked a wider debate about the issue of assisted suicide bombing. ‘This is all about one man’s right to have the help he needs to blow himself to bits,’ said Director of Liberty, Shami Chakrabarti, ‘to stand in his way would not only be an infringement of his civil liberties; it would also be a bit stupid.’ MR Jessop insists that all he is asking for is personal dignity; ‘and the right to fire my limbs off in all directions while my head shoots into the sky. I just want to go out with a bang.’

Currently, the only way that people can detonate freely is to visit Switzerland where the law permits anyone to blow themselves up so long as they do so from the inside of a minaret. ‘I shouldn’t have to fly to Switzerland,’ said Jessop. ‘In any case they won’t let me on the plane. But I want to blow myself up at home with my friends and family around me.’

But the Justice Secretary Jack Straw claimed that this could be the tip of a very explosive iceberg; ‘If we allow physician assisted suicide bombers then, before you know it, families will be putting pressure on granny to strap up with Semtex and take a Stannah Stairlift to Heaven.’

Doctors have also expressed concern. ‘Of course we respect an individual’s right to explode,’ said a BMA representative, ‘We just don’t want to be the ones exploding with them. Surely this is a job for the Bomb Squad or someone. Mr Jessop is now planning to take his case to the High Court though police say that if he goes anywhere near the court they will be forced to seize both him and his case and subject them to a controlled explosion.

Fortunately a solution has been found to Mr Jessops’ search for somebody who is less worried about morals and ethics and just enjoys blowing things up. Mr Jessop will be detonated on the Top Gear Christmas special along with some caravans and unfashionable cars. Jeremy Clarkson said the death of Mr Jessop promises to be ‘hilarious’.

The move is part of wider partnership between the two companies that is expected to revive the struggling Friends Reunited site through the launch of associated services. Plans include an aftercare cremation portal, Friends Reignited, and a venture into the South East Asian Buddhism market where Friends Reincarnated is expected to see exponential growth in members with multiple accounts.

Ramblesid, with thanks to Callaway

‘Many people don’t want to go without a fuss,’ said Karl-Heinz Struther, director of Indignitas.  ‘Some want to make a point, while others simply want a genuine once-in-a-lifetime experience.  With a life-exit package for every taste, ambition and demographic, we’ve had no dissatisfied customers yet.’

Men from all over Europe are flocking to the clinic for the chance to take their mid-life crisis to its logical conclusion with the ‘Jim Morrison’ deal, a Paris-based weekend break that includes drugs, alcohol and sex followed by drowning in a bath.  An adventurous few have instead opted for the ‘Stranglewank’, the auto-erotic practice popularised by former INXS singer Michael Hutchence and film star David Carradine.

Oppressed women, meanwhile, are queuing up for the ‘Sylvia Plath’, a moving farewell involving a dingy room, a gas oven and the posthumous demonisation of a person of their choice.  And car enthusiasts have been honking their horns in delight at the ‘James Dean’, a splendid one-off opportunity to drive a classic Porsche head-on into a truck in a reconstruction of Hollywood’s notoriously dangerous Mulholland Drive.

Among failed bankers the ‘Wall Street Plunge’ has proved very popular.  The brochure describes it as ‘a full gravity descent down the outside of the Swiss Re tower in the heart of Geneva’s bustling financial district, followed by a champagne reception at the bottom’.  Wealthier clients have opted for deals from the à la carte Indignitas Premium range, including the ‘JFK’, in which half the fun is not knowing whether the fatal shot came from the lone gunman in the book depository or the CIA agent on the grassy knoll, and the ‘Princess Diana’, in which a beered-up chauffeur will quickly show you the sights of Paris before suddenly inviting you to join him up front.

But despite the booming business, it isn’t all proving to be plain sailing for Indignitas.  An investigation is under way into the passing of a man who had apparently planned to die spectacularly in front of thousands during a gruelling series of shows at the London O2.  ‘Unfortunately he didn’t make it that far,’ said Herr Struther.  ‘We think he may have been accidentally dispatched by the doctor sent to help Farrah Fawcett on her way.’