After years of genetic engineering experiments, scientists have perfected a cow whose meat is so depressingly bland that it has been approved for consumption by the Vegan Society. Their company is now considering starting a “quasi-vegetarian McDonald’s” [read...]
‘First it was horse-meat; now this’, said disappointed customer, Chloe, while ravenously devouring a uniformly grey reconstituted kebab, ‘It’s really important to know about it.’ [read...]
The Food Standards Agency has reported that the vast majority of political offal has trace elements of Boris Johnson. He is reportedly the most common Brexit contaminate alongside codswallop and sour lemons. Despite labelling to the contrary, [read...]
‘In the old version you never knew if the crab was coming or going, so this is a considerable breakthrough for crustacean technology. However, we have had to compromise the design with a rear-view mirror so they can get used to new methods of navigation.’ [read...]
A school pupil from Hull, who is at risk of failing his GCSEs this summer, has initiated a civil lawsuit against his parents due to ‘unacceptable DNA’. 15 year-old Ben Jones is seeking £1.3 million in damages as an insurance policy against the prospect of long-term unemployment. [read...]
