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Posts Tagged ‘doctors’

Female libido pill to replace Harry Styles

Sprout Pharmaceuticals have released a new drug, Flibanserin, which is said to be guaranteed to have the same impact on the female sex drive as sitting on Russell Brand’s knee.

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Posted: Aug 22nd, 2015
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Cameron ‘not well enough’ to lose election

Doctors have declared that the Prime Minister must be allowed to continue in power on medical grounds. After carefully studying David Cameron’s low poll ratings, medical experts quickly diagnosed Dementia nonculpa, a close variant of the debilitating disease affecting Lord Janner. This terrifying condition produces a powerful immune response to any external threat affecting the [...]

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Posted: Apr 26th, 2015
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‘A&E targets could be met if we stopped treating patients,’ doctors say

‘We’ve made fantastic progress,’ said a senior A&E consultant, referring to the news that the NHS was missing fewer targets than in November. ‘First we started locking the doors, then we gave everybody a couple of aspirin and told them to fuck off. Most never returned, so they were clearly putting it on.’

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Posted: Jan 25th, 2015
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Waiting times to assault NHS staff ‘have tripled’, finds study

free-for-all at the point of needThe latest report on the performance of the NHS has found a familiar but depressing picture of Accident and Emergency rooms full of people who have waited up to three hours to launch an unprovoked physical attack on a medical orderly or nurse.

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Posted: Dec 11th, 2014
More from From The Archives

Doctor’s receptionists now better qualified than doctors, says NHS

‘It can be embarrassing at times,’ said one patient, ‘having to remove my trousers and underpants in the waiting room so that the receptionist could see the suppurating pustules on the end of my knob.’

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Posted: Sep 30th, 2014
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