‘Scamp has never looked back since,’ said Anthony, ‘but that’s because he can’t. You can see from the look in his eyes when I’m making him do J-turns, burn-outs and wheelies that he loves every moment of it. Admittedly he’s had problems getting on with other dogs and there’s been one or two drive-by shittings, but it’s all been worth it to be able to ‘walk’ him without leaving my chair by the window.’

Although Scamp doesn’t enjoy the same freedom that he used to before his operation, his owner insists he’s a whole heap faster. ‘When we play fetch in the park he’s just like his old self. Of course, I have to throw the stick and then operate the remote control to get him close enough to pick it up, but he loves it and it’s much less boring for me. I’ve also set up an agility course for him – he can actually beat able-bodied dogs, even when he’s asleep.’

Since pimping his pooch, Anthony has discovered a market for motorised animals and has gone into business. ‘Almost all pets are suitable for our high-speed mobility scheme, though I’ve given up working with fish,’ he said. ‘In fact I’ve just finished fitting an arthritic tortoise with the tracks from a Tamiya Tiger Tank. He’s surprisingly manoeuvrable. When we took him for a test drive over a see-saw, the little chap really came out of his shell, so I’ve put some glue in his leg holes to stop it happening again.’

However, animal rights campaigners are horrified by the trend for souped-up spaniels, claiming that some unscrupulous owners are modifying perfectly healthy pets for cosmetic reasons. ‘There’s no doubt the look of any animal can be improved by a set of off-road tyres and an aerial,’ said Anthony, ‘but this is about helping pets in their hour of need, and a brilliant new sport. We always promote safe and responsible driving, and that’s why we’re in favour of bringing back dog licences.’

‘Picking up turds off the ground, especially ones you didn’t do yourself, is never going to be a glamorous job,’ said the SAS’s commercial director, Andy McNab. ‘But when you’re carrying an SAS-branded poo bag, people might see you in a different light.’

Estate agent Phil Barry says being seen loading dogs eggs into an SAS bag has earned him instant respect. ‘The other the dog walkers at South Norwood recreation ground know I’m a man not to be messed with now, and it’s all thanks to my SAS poo bag. I may pick up number twos, but I’m the number one in this part of Croydon North East.’

The SAS poo bag is more than just a massively marked up see through plastic repository. It’s a personal statement, says McNab. ‘It’s a look that says I’ve got my shit together, and I’m on a mission.’

Until recently the park was a haven for outdoor sex enthusiasts – participants, spectators and amateur film-makers alike – according to local Black Country dogger ‘Mr X’. ‘Beacon Hill used to be such a lovely, secluded spot where you could have sex in the back of a Vauxhall Vectra with someone else’s wife, free from the unwanted attentions of ordinary members of the public.’

However this was all to change when the little-known park featured on a regional television program. ‘Imagine my horror when our private little oasis appeared on Dudley Days Out,’ claims Mr. X. ‘Soon you couldn’t move for walkers, picnickers and dogs. Have you ever tried to screw a complete stranger with an excited spaniel’s cold wet nose up your arse crack? It’s no fun I can tell you!’

Even the onset of autumn and the increasingly dark and dreary evenings, traditionally the optimum time for dogging, hasn’t put off these unwelcome intruders. ‘Who the hell has a picnic in October? Yet still they come; snotty nosed kids and dull parents with egg and cress sandwiches and bottles of Vimto; all going around minding their own business while you frantically try to put your trousers back on – it’s not right is it?’

To combat these unwelcome visitors, Mr. X is organising a ‘stop raising the tone’ campaign to keep decent, law-abiding citizens away from the park. ‘We need to band together to protect our rights, so I’m asking every dogger, pervert and open-air fetishist to come forward and sign my petition. Once I have enough signatures I will present it to the Lady Mayor, whom I am on intimate terms with. At least I think it’s her – it’s difficult to tell in the interior light of a Range Rover.’

‘We found the bodies, and the police are abusing our goodwill by holding on to them for an unacceptable length of time,’ he said. ‘Sometimes we don’t get them back at all, and when we do get them back they are often not in the condition that we found them in.’

The law states that anyone who finds a body must declare it to the coroner within 14 days. The coroner can then choose to bring in the police, but many dog-walkers are increasingly tempted to keep the find to themselves. ‘Nothing beats making a really good find’ said Bert Perlman, of Leicester. ‘But all the pleasure is being sucked out of it with the job’s-worth mentality of the police.’

Many police forces admit that the whole business of processing dead bodies is not as fast as they would like it to be, but claim they are setting new targets for returning the finds before they are fully decayed. ‘Frankly our hands our tied by petty government regulations and endless red tape. These days you can’t even dig up the body of a missing kidnapped heiress without some busy-body wanting to get the police involved. The problem is that with so many corpses being passed over the police station counter, it’s difficult to process them all what with with all the lost keys, empty wallets and wheel-less bicycles.’

In order to reduce the workload of the police, a number of forces have issued new guidelines to dog-walkers. Henceforth, any ramblers that find severed body parts in the woods or on waste ground, are requested to just put a home-made notice up on a nearby lamp-post. ‘That way, anyone who has lost an arm or a leg can claim it back directly from the finder without the police having to get involved.’