‘The problem with previous attempts at carbon-neutral sea-life, such as the electric eel, has been that the battery-life hasn’t been very good, restricting the marine animal to just short journeys,’ said Chris Packham. ‘That’s stopped a lot of larger sea animals from investing in the technology, but the hybrid shark changes all that. It may not have a ‘zero carbon finprint’, as true electric fish have, but it is far more economical to run than a standard shark, meaning that when fully charged a hybrid shark would be able to travel up to 800km before needing to chomp on a surfer’s leg.’

Marine experts have questioned the need for fuel-efficient sharks, reasoning that increased carbon dioxide in the atmosphere and higher sea levels would not be in any way be detrimental to the life of the average sea predator. But shark advocates claim it is simply a matter of economics.

‘What with fishing quotas and the dramatic rise in the price of fish such as cod, running a shark has become a costly business. A beast like that always needs its tank refilling. But with advances in Lithium-ion based batteries, it makes perfect environmental sense to make the switch to renewable energy – providing, that is, that you only use pole-and-line-caught batteries and they carry the dolphin-friendly mark.’

However, critics of the technology, developed in partnership with Toyota, have complained about the new shark’s ‘boxy’ look, it’s relatively poor handling at high speeds and the low-pitched whirring noise made by the animal. ‘I’m all for greater fuel efficiency,’ said one, ‘but being able to hear it approach is going to completely spoil the surprise of a shark attack. It would have made the movie Jaws utterly unbelievable.’

After years of divorced friends regaling her with tales of their life-affirming wild adventures abroad as they were finally liberated from years of tedium, Ms Austin had prepared herself for crazy sexual escapades with a string of unsuitable partners and mind-expanding narcotic experimentation leading her to behave with unprecedented outrageous abandon. ‘But most nights I just read a book,’ said Susan. ‘I was invited to an orgy in a beach-hut on Koh Sumui, but I ended up looking after the coats. I thought I’d tried skinny-dipping once. But when I described what I’d done to my friend, she explained that I’d just had a bath.’

Ms Austin has now returned to her job as a librarian and is considering taking an evening class in bookkeeping and maybe getting a cat. But for now at least, her travelling days are behind her. ‘When I got home, there was a letter on the mat saying that I’d won a luxury six-month cruise in a prize draw,’ said Ms Austin as she enjoyed her 4.30pm cup of Earl Grey. ‘But I’ve given it to a friend. After all, this scarf isn’t going to crotchet itself. And why on Earth would I want to miss all that Gardener’s World again?’

A dolphin terrorist plot was uncovered yesterday when an abortive attack upon humans in Cornwall went badly wrong. The marine mammals found themselves unable to make it more than a few yards on dry land to attack their targets and the dolphin terrorists were found dead on the beaches. But now there are fears that these martyrs will only encourage further suicide attacks on mankind from this sinister cell of fundamentalist dolphins.

Despite the friendly nature of most dolphins and porpoises, their fierce intelligence has led to some younger radicals becoming alienated and falling prey to militant anti-human propaganda. The insurgent dolphins demand that ‘land mammals’, namely man, withdraw all their forces from the oceans and desist from their satanic blasphemy against the holy dolphin homeland of the sea. In their twisted minds, mankind also stands charged with over-fishing, pollution and occasional sexual harrassment.

It is believed that the martyred dolphins may have trained together at a remote ocean indoctrination camp, where they learned lethal terror techniques as well as how to jump through a brightly coloured hoop and swim backwards. They throw themselves at the land with no care that they will surely die in their doomed attack, confident in the belief that 72 virgin porpoises are waiting for them in dolphin paradise.

‘This time the suicide dolphins died before they reached their intended victims,’ warned Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. ‘But next time we might not be so lucky. If ever there was proof that we need the powers to detain terrorist suspects for 42 days, this attack by suicide dolphins was surely it.’

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The discovery, which will traumatise animal lovers the world over, was made when Californian marine biologist Mike Varney sensed that the smiling, chattering manner of dolphins and porpoises was somehow a little insincere. He set up a series of remote controlled underwater cameras to record ceteceans interacting with swimmers and divers and then filmed the same dolphins as they left their human companions.

‘It’s fascinating,’ said Varney. ‘As the excited eco-tourists climb onto the boat, still thrilled at their real-life encounter with wild bottlenose dolphins, you can see the dolphins turn away and their cheerful expression suddenly changes. They looked really pissed off, and were sort of tutting and looking skywards. It’s like they were saying ‘I AM SO BORED OF THIS!’

Varney’s research has also demonstrated that their high-pitched animated chattering is also contrived and phoney. Amongst themselves, dolphins manage little more than an occasional indignant grunt, and often can’t even bothered to reply to other family members.

This is the second major discovery by maverick naturalist Varney. Last year his remote controlled cameras discovered that gorillas are actually really smiley when they are left to themselves.