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Posts Tagged ‘drugs’

Labour to show business-friendly credentials by snorting cocaine

Labour's only remaining option to get its confidence backStung by the revelation that its election campaign did not understand the worlds of enterprise and high finance, the contenders for the party leadership have vowed to prove their business credentials. This will start next week, with Yvette Cooper offering her naked buttocks as a cocaine-cruet for Andy Burnham.

‘In hindsight, our campaign lacked the energy that business-minded people can bring to the party,’ said Burnham, announcing the snorting programme. ‘We have overlooked the kind of people who aspire to prosperity, wealth and reckless behaviour involving snorting Class A drugs from leadership contenders’ naked flesh.’

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Posted: May 20th, 2015
More from Politics

Shock and confusion as Clegg says something sensible about drugs

back in the running for the student voteMuch to the surprise of those political correspondents who spend their time checking hens for teeth and pigs for wings, the Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, has stunned analysts by suggesting that drug addiction is primarily a health rather than a criminal issue.

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Posted: Mar 6th, 2015
More from Politics

NHS to buy all drugs ‘from a guy called Phil’

With the NHS now shown to be paying too much for medication, the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) has centralised its purchasing by awarding a contract to a man known as ‘Phil’, who impressed a member of the purchasing team with a promise to deliver ‘top notch stuff’ at ‘well below the going rate’ during a chance encounter in a London nightclub.

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Posted: Feb 19th, 2015
More from News In Brief

Mr C banned from Billingsgate market for excessive ‘salmon’ requests

e's, obviouslyMr C, enigmatic frontman of early ’90s rave outfit The Shaman, has been handed a lifetime ban from Billingsgate fish market, lawyers representing the vendors’ association said today. The association lodged a formal complaint against the artist, real name Colin Angus, accusing him of habitually enquiring as to whether or not vendors stocked a certain product. He would then say ‘sorted’ and walk off without buying anything.

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Posted: Oct 24th, 2014
More from Arts/Entertainment

Mary Berry begins filming gritty new spin-off show, ‘Baking Bad’

compulsive chewingBeloved pastry matriarch and national baking supremo Mary Berry is gearing up to swap her apron and eggs for a gas mask and concentrated methylamine this winter, after the BBC commissioned a gritty new primetime cookery spinoff competition to be titled ‘Baking Bad’.

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Posted: Oct 8th, 2014
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