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Posts Tagged ‘drugs’

South West Trains hail 200th day of ‘Zero Empty Seats’

going for gold, but may get silver, or perhaps bronze...‘In stark contrast to the misery that faces Olympics sports fans, our customers haven’t been taunted by an empty seat since January,’ boasted SW Trains boss Matthew Gratton.

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Posted: Jul 31st, 2012
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Usain Bolt tests positive for a Morris Oxford

hoping they won't find out about that Riley ElfThe London Olympics were hit by another scandal last night as the world’s fastest man, Usain Bolt, was found to have significant amounts of chromium in his blood after having ingested an entire Morris Oxford, Series VI.

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Posted: Jul 1st, 2012
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Ken Loach to direct ‘Happy Feet 3: The Heroin Years’

‘The kids are just going to lap up the combination of singing, dancing and intravenous injection of hard drugs,’ said film critic Mark Kermode.

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Posted: Jan 13th, 2012
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Kent Police crush local pesto ring

public urged to be on the lookout for pestophilesKent Police were this afternoon formally congratulated on the outstanding success of Operation Ploughmans. Speaking from outside Downing St, Prime Minister David Cameron praised the two month operation as ‘a significant contribution’ to Britain’s home economic security.

From their operations base at Dover, police officers intercepted several tankers of Spanish olive oil, along with sizable quantities of Macedonian pine nuts. Maps in the trucks confirmed police suspicions that the raw materials were destined for industrial warehouses in the so-called ‘Kitchen Garden’ of Surrey. Here they would be mixed with locally grown basil and parmesan cheese which was to be flown over from Italy this weekend.

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Posted: Dec 15th, 2011
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Limiting shoppers to two packs of painkillers ‘preventing thousands of suicides a year’

‘I just wanted to end it all, but when the checkout girl told me I could only buy two packs of painkillers, it felt too much like hard work to go round the store again so I decided to put my life back together instead.’

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Posted: Jul 9th, 2011
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