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Posts Tagged ‘Easter’

Katie Hopkins to be crucified on Good Friday to redeem sins of mankind

forgive them for they know not what they do, but if they follow my 15 point plan...The Church of England’s first female bishop has confirmed that celebrity Antichrist Katie Hopkins is to be executed on the cross on Good Friday, April 3. Against the backdrop of yet another cosmologically inconsequential but newsworthy Twitter spat, the Right Reverend Libby Lane preached that this was humanity’s last chance to find eternal salvation.

‘If my new role has taught me anything, it’s the mantra ‘Let’s try it with a woman’,’ said Reverend Lane. ‘If Jesus of Nazareth can’t save us, what do we lose by crucifying a horse-faced troll from Barnstaple? I’m certain we can find a tenuous Bible passage which foretold this. It’s never failed before.’

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Posted: Mar 4th, 2015
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Stations of the Cross closed – replacement buses brought in

Stations 6 and 7 of the Cross, currently closed for refurbishment, will not be ready for use this Easter due to unforeseen problems with sub-contractors.

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Posted: Apr 21st, 2014
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NHS resurrection performance slammed

The NHS is failing to meet government targets to raise people from the dead according to a new report from the NHS watchdog Nicene.

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Posted: Apr 14th, 2014
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Outrage in Calvary as emergency services took three days to respond

Angry residents are demanding an immediate investigation into the case of a crucified man with serious injuries to his hands, feet and side who had to wait three days for paramedics to arrive on the scene.

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Posted: Mar 30th, 2013
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Unholy row as Benedict returns to reclaim the papacy in time for Easter

Pope Benedict strode into St Peter’s Square yesterday, fully refreshed after his Lenten sabbatical and announced that he was ready to take the reins of the papacy once more. With a fresh ear piercing, his skull cap set back on his head at a jaunty angle and a giggling nun on each arm, it was clear that the break from the burden of office had taken years off the former pontiff as he vigorously shoved aside pilgrims on his way back to the Vatican.

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Posted: Mar 29th, 2013
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