Bank of England staff are working around the clock to get all the gold reserves into reasonably-sized jiffy bags. ‘The job is a lot easier because Gordon managed to flog most of it off cheap when he was still here,’ said one Bank of England worker. ‘To be honest it will be a relief to get it out from under our feet.’

Alastair Darling, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, has welcomed the Bank’s decision. ‘Turning gold bullion into cash is a splendid idea and could help us refinance the British economy. I am already in negotiations with the Queen who may have some unwanted orbs and sceptres which she isn’t planning on leaving to her children, so we might as well make a bob or two out of them. Lovely jubbly.’

A spokesman for the bank explained that the Economy Pump was severely damaged when a Scottish two pound coin, which had mistakenly been included in the £50bn being pumped, bypassed the Sterling Filter, causing the pump’s Fiscal Flange to fail.

Although the Fiscal Flange is a relatively inexpensive component (costing just 75p) and is fairly easily replaced, its failure led to several tens of millions of pounds Sterling being exposed to the errant Bank of Scotland coinage, all of which will need to be decontaminated, before pumping can recommence.

Engineers at the Bank are now working around the clock, hoping to have the pump back up and running in time for next month’s interest rate review.

‘It’s not like the good old days of Reaganomics’ bemoaned a Times opinion writer, ‘and we have given it a go. I mean, I noted the similarities to classic Keynesian theories but ‘Obamesian policy’ sounds like it’s to do with a hyperinflationary Pacific Islands dictatorship.’

The White House said it was taking the concerns seriously, with a spokesman promising they have a room full of TV pundits being tutored in saying Barack-onomics and fiscal Obam-ulus. 

‘I mean I don’t know why you just don’t sort it all out, that’s what I’d like to know, just sort it out, I mean you lot got us into this mess, it’s up to you to get it all out again…’ she continued. ‘I don’t know why you just don’t make it illegal to have a credit crunch, just say it’s not allowed to have a financial downturn, it can’t be that difficult, I mean they’ve put a man on the moon, you should just sort it out, I’m surprised you don’t fly First Class, the way you lot just feather your nest all the time…’

Mr Brown had tried to deflect the tirade with polite chit chat such as ‘I’ve just met Barack Obama, you know’, but glancing out of the window and casually remarking ‘Ooh look! Iceland,’ just started her off all over again.

‘I tried to get some sleep…’ said the PM, ‘ and then the movies were terrible, the food gruesome, but then this woman just wouldn’t give it a rest and kept wittering away in my ear ALL night. I feel terrible. Not about the economy of course, I’m completely in control of that. It’s just the lack of sleep, and the failure of this woman to understand the complex financial issues at the heart of this seemingly intractable problem to which the opposition has no answer and who are frankly out of their depth on this and I’m the only one who…’ At this point the journalists nodded politely and tried to deflect the conversation onto something else.

However the plan has been heavily criticised by the opposition and business experts who say that there is no such thing as ‘a money plant’ and that the Chancellor is clearly suffering some sort of severe mental breakdown. ‘He is off his nut’ said Shadow Chancellor George Osborne, ‘he keeps going on about everybody being able to pick lots and lots of bank notes off their money plants – it’s like he’s been doing magic mushrooms or something.’

‘This is typical of the negative, ‘can’t do’ attitude of those whose are talking down Britain’s ability to pull itself out of recession’ said Alistair Darling. ‘With care and attention even the smallest money plant can grow in to a strong and formidable tree’ said the minister. ‘We will be advising business on pruning and watering techniques to ensure the best possible growth of the next financial year.’

It is feared that with no more money left to hand out to failing banks and businesses, the ‘money plant’ initiative is a desperate last throw by the struggling Treasury. 11 Downing Street has announced that the money plants will be distributed as small saplings in a roll out programme that begins next week. Eligible businesses can register on the government’s website, but there is a limited supply so prospective investors need to be quick.

The Chancellor denied that he was feeling the strain of the economic crisis and spoke confidently of the strength of Britain’s financial reserves, which are currently being held ‘at the end of the rainbow’.