Pam Ward, prosecuting, said, ‘A witness said he saw two shadow ministers in the small cab of the campervan. Both were said to be crying, red in the face and distressed.  Thankfully, the actions of a member of public prevented them from coming to more serious harm, though Mr Miliband was said to look disappointed on his return to the vehicle.’

It is the second time Mr Miliband has faced allegations of unlawful imprisonment. Thirty years ago he locked older brother David in their garden shed on the day of their school’s Debating Society final after initially promising he wouldn’t enter.

‘I’m crestfallen,’ admitted Mr Miliband. ‘My leadership has been suffering from aggressive, griping Balls for some time. I thought that surgical intervention would help, but scans of my party headquarters have shown that the malignant Balls is still there, ready to finish me off at any minute.’

Mr Miliband’s elder brother David also suffered from an acute attack of leadership problems last year, leading to suggestions among medical experts that the condition is hereditary. ‘I’m pretty sure it’s not, though,’ said one unnamed shadow Cabinet member. ‘Our suspicion is that Ed has been a victim of passive leadership, which can be just as dangerous as doing the job yourself.’

There was some good news for Mr Miliband, who has responded very well to a sudden injection of Murdoch in recent weeks, which experts say will have extended his prognosis in the short-term. He insisted he would be back at work ‘very soon’ and that his problematic Balls would in no way limit his ability to do his job. ‘I’m not going to let my Balls beat me,’ he said bravely. ‘But we’ve all got to go some time, so I’m going to live life to the full. I’ve already sent off for tickets to the Labour Party conference in September, if they’ll have me.’

Labour has announced today that former SAS soldier and successful novelist Andy McNab is to replace Ed Miliband as Leader in a desperate bid for the party to have a more recognisable figurehead. The decision was taken after a meeting of the Shadow Cabinet and reporters at the scene were unsure whether Ed Miliband was present.

Deputy Leader Harriet Harman revealed that the party had little option but to recruit a known face for the top job after a survey found that 64% of Labour members were unable to identify their chief from a selection of photos showing the leaders of the three main political parties. As Ms Harman emphasised, ‘many were unable to pick him out even though by a process of elimination they should have been able to rule out Cameron and Clegg and be left with Ed.’

Shadow Home Secretary Ed Balls continued, ‘How are the electorate supposed to identify with Ed Miliband when none of them knows what he looks like? That’s why Andy McNab with his instantly familiar silhouette was the obvious replacement. For sure, some of his policies are a little rough around the edges but he’s been in a few battles over the years so he should be able to deal with the horrific war zone that is the Labour Party.’

Andy McNab was not Labour’s first choice for the role, but The Stig from Top Gear was unable to commit full time to the role and in any case was suspected of preferring to steer to the right.

Lovers of risqué puns could barely contain their delight today as the Ed Balls scandal continued to simmer.  Guffaws were heard when Michael Gove, the Education Secretary, refused to be blamed for the fact that Balls had been thrust into the spotlight.

To compound the controversy, senior Whitehall sources suspect that the leak, which caused outrage in the Commons, can be traced back to Balls.

‘It certainly has a whiff of Balls about it,’ said one. ‘I think this came out now so it wouldn’t come out later. It would be catastrophic to have Balls exposed during a leadership challenge, although I’m sure many Tories would be delighted by just that.’

Tony Blair provided extra unintentional mirth when he spoke frankly about his period of handover.  He told New Statesman ‘I couldn’t help but notice that Brown had Balls wrapped around his little finger.’

Supporters of the Shadow Chancellor accused his detractors of mud slinging, and complained that Balls had been smeared all over most of the morning’s tabloids – an unintentionally graphic image that provoked howls of laughter.

The man at the heart of the controversy seemed relaxed when we asked him for a comment.  ’I think it’s bollocks,’ he said simply.

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‘It was a risk to promote him,’ admitted Labour Leader Ed Miliband, ‘and safety is our first concern. Especially mine. That’s why he must wear the mask at all times and remain under very close supervision.’

Balls, a clinical economist, is well known for his frightening ability to get into the minds of his opponents and cause them great psychological distress through the use of embarrassing statistics and traumatising lectures on supply-side economics.

‘The man is a monster,’ said Chancellor George Osborne, ‘last time I saw him he made me break down and cry simply by whispering the phrase “neo classical endogenous growth theory”. I won’t go anywhere near him.’

When not being wheeled out to savage the government, Mr Balls will be kept in solitary confinement at the high security wing of the House of Commons; there he will listen to Bach’s Goldberg Variations and dream of the day he will get an office with a view. Mr Balls will be regularly visited by his wife and cabinet colleague, Yvette Cooper, who will try to get him to explain Labour’s economic policy through his preferred method of cryptic clues and psychological games.

‘People misunderstand Ed,’ explained his wife, ‘he only ever attacks people he doesn’t like or who get in his way. Most of the time he’s a pussy cat, which is probably just as well because he ate ours.’

Mr Balls gained his reputation as a psychopathic monster over many years. Firstly, working under Gordon Brown where he learned the ancient art of scowling, brooding and angrily throwing things round the room. Then, as Shadow Education Minister, when he would regularly tear chunks out of Michael Gove. ‘That was bad enough,’ said Gove, ‘but once he invited me to dinner, paralysed me with a boring lecture on education theory, before cutting open my skull and eating bits of my brain. Thankfully, it hasn’t affected me in any way.’

Mr Balls rejected accusations that he had recently threatened to eat George Osborne’s liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. ‘I don’t drink Chianti,’ explained Balls, ‘Everyone knows that I am much more of a Champagne Sociopath.’

‘Obviously I’ve been right behind my son’s campaign since day one,’ Mrs Miliband told reporters. ‘But to see all those years of work finally come to [fruition/nothing] just makes me feel so [proud/stupid]. I always tried to engender in him a sense that [winning is everything/it’s the taking part that counts], and if I’d known all those years ago, as he sat on my knee listening to key extracts from Das Kapital, that one day he’d grow up to be [leader of a visionless centre-left party/a nobody], I’m certain that I would [never have bothered/never have bothered].’

Union leaders Derek Simpson and Bob Crow were among the first to [congratulate/stick two fingers up to] the new [leader/‘loser with a capital L’]. ‘For those of us in the Labour movement,’ said Crow, ‘it was always clear that Miliband had been marked out for [success/failure]. Politics has changed a lot, but the most important thing is to get your message across to the public, and that’s always [easier/harder] if you’re [almost handsome/a dead ringer for Mr Bean].’

Party members were quick to pay [thanks/insults] to defeated leadership contenders Ed Balls and Diane Abbott who are said to be looking forward to [taking any shadow cabinet post going/spending more time with Michael Portillo]. There was also a strong consensus on the floor of the conference that Andy Burnham would continue his meteoric rise to obscurity.

A [jubilant/dejected] Mr Miliband assured delegates that today’s result would lead to the [reinvigoration/utter destruction from within] of the Labour party. ‘This mandate gives us a once-in-a-generation opportunity to put this great party [back on the map/out to pasture] once and for all,’ said Miliband. ‘And with me [at the helm/working with that helm], we can enter the next general election absolutely confident of [losing comfortably/losing spectacularly].’

‘You could argue that the education system shouldn’t be producing these people,’ said schools secretary Ed Balls today, ‘but the important thing is to treat the symptoms not the causes. The problem at the moment is that too many idiots are walking among us unnoticed, some in positions of authority, and there’s no way of telling till it’s too late. This scheme will provide transparency and allow people to make informed choices about who they talk to, bank with and elect.’

Those affected by the proposals include users of emoticons, people who assume others know what on earth they are talking about or even care, Chris Moyles listeners and anyone claiming that the scheme won’t ‘effect’ them. In addition, the police will be given new on-the-spot ‘duncing’ powers to issue ‘S-plates’ to pedestrians who stop without warning in the middle of crowded pavements or high-five in public in anything other than a spirit of grave irony. Anyone falling foul of the new regulations will find themselves put on the Sense Offenders Register and forbidden from expressing opinions, using the phrase ‘I know what you mean’ without medical evidence that there’s even a chance of that being true, and answering any question without observing a 24-hour ‘cooling-off’ period.

Despite the Government’s enthusiasm for the plan, a small number of commentators have warned that the economic recovery could be stalled by the cost of producing ‘S-plates’ for celebrities, pundits, professional sportsmen, astrologers and their readership, most drivers, religious fundamentalists, clients of debt consolidation firms and all employees in the services industry – a fear not diminished by the failure of bankers to invest in signage industry stocks. But shrewd manoeuvring by Gordon Brown has already secured cross-party support for the scheme after he assured MPs that after the election the Labour Government would exempt elected representatives. The move has earned the delighted Prime Minister a number of pats on the back from loyal Cabinet ministers seeking a new home for the ‘Kick Me’ stickers none of them remember dressing in.

Campaigners say that the worrying trend has led to a big increase in young girls and boys logging on to ‘pro-curvy’ websites where they can swap tips on how to add calories to their meals and cut PE classes at school, as well as buy posters of fat role models which are ruthlessly marketed as ‘an essential addition to any child’s bedroom wall, and a tasty after-dinner snack’.  Doctors have also noted a rise in cases of children with pro-eating disorders, with many youngsters lying to friends and family about how much they’ve eaten to ‘talk up’ their obesity.

Patricia Airey, mother of ten-year-old Rainbow, backs Save the Children’s campaign.  ‘I’m forever telling Rainbow that she’s perfect just as she is, but she’s always looking at herself in the mirror and complaining about being too thin.  She keeps asking when her muffin tops and love handles are going to develop.  It breaks my heart.  Kids grow out so fast these days.’

‘If I’m honest, though,’ she went on, ‘Rainbow may be a bit on the slim side, but she doesn’t listen when I tell her it’s what’s on the inside that counts.  ‘All that’s on the inside is a full English breakfast, two pasties, four packets of crisps and a king-size mars bar,’ she shouts at me, ‘and that’s just not enough these days, mum!’  I wish I had the money to give her the start in life she deserves.’

But Children, Schools and Families Secretary Ed Balls was unapologetic about the Government’s drive to bulk up the younger generation.  ‘The Americans are way out in front, even when we’re stood shoulder-to-shoulder, so we’ve got a lot of ground to make up.  And there’s no point being top of the European league table for teenage pregnancies if the children we’re bringing into the world are only normally proportioned,’ he said today at the launch of a new scheme allowing teenage schoolchildren to exchange contraceptives for cake.