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Posts Tagged ‘Ed Miliband’

Ed Miliband returns from meditation retreat with powers of mind over matter

After spending the last three months in the wilderness of Nepal, Ed Miliband has returned and announced, at a packed press conference, that he now has full mastery of 100% of his mind and the ability to control remote objects by thought alone.

‘We do not have to accept the world as we find it. And we have a responsibility to leave our world a better place and never walk by once we release the full power of our minds,’ he stated. To rapturous applause he then levitated a plastic cup of water with his mind energy alone before gently setting it back down on the table.

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Posted: Oct 3rd, 2015
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Corbyn’s younger brother Ed ‘still waiting for the call’

Ed Corbyn, younger brother of the new Labour leader Jeremy, has told reporters he is ‘sitting by the phone’ in case anything untoward befalls his elder sibling.

‘I know things have all pretty much settled down now, but I just want to make sure everybody has my number,’ he said at a sparsely-attended press call on the fringe of the Labour conference in Brighton. ‘You know, I’m here any time, just say the word. The word being “challenge”, of course,’ he added, winking.

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Posted: Oct 1st, 2015
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Politicians to be permanently sealed within giant Westminster Bubble

welcome to the pleasure domeThe multi-million pound Odium Project aims to collect every variety of politician, lobbyist and political journalist and keep them in a safe, temperature controlled environment.

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Posted: Sep 16th, 2015
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Liz Kendall accused of anti-Corbyn toilet graffiti

‘It isn’t an isolated incident,’ explained a spokesman. ‘Jeremy found a horse’s head in his bed this morning and somebody has drawn antennae on his official photograph and blacked out one of his teeth to make him look like a weird space alien. It’s faintly reminiscent of Ed Miliband.’

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Posted: Aug 18th, 2015
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Jeremy Corbyn enters Labour race in an alternate Universe

Labour having to boldly go where no party has gone before to find a new leaderScience fiction and socialism fans alike, have been delighted to discover that in a hypothetical self-contained reality there exists an actual left-wing candidate. The Member of Parliament for Islington North has managed to secure enough nominations to get on the ballot, but only in a parallel universe where there is compassion, collective responsibility and where we are ruled by a race of four-foot high, furry, purple bipeds all named ‘Michael Foot’.

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Posted: Jun 16th, 2015
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