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Posts Tagged ‘Ed Miliband’

Jeremy Corbyn enters Labour race in an alternate Universe

Labour having to boldly go where no party has gone before to find a new leaderScience fiction and socialism fans alike, have been delighted to discover that in a hypothetical self-contained reality there exists an actual left-wing candidate. The Member of Parliament for Islington North has managed to secure enough nominations to get on the ballot, but only in a parallel universe where there is compassion, collective responsibility and where we are ruled by a race of four-foot high, furry, purple bipeds all named ‘Michael Foot’.

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Posted: Jun 16th, 2015
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Labour to show business-friendly credentials by snorting cocaine

Labour's only remaining option to get its confidence backStung by the revelation that its election campaign did not understand the worlds of enterprise and high finance, the contenders for the party leadership have vowed to prove their business credentials. This will start next week, with Yvette Cooper offering her naked buttocks as a cocaine-cruet for Andy Burnham.

‘In hindsight, our campaign lacked the energy that business-minded people can bring to the party,’ said Burnham, announcing the snorting programme. ‘We have overlooked the kind of people who aspire to prosperity, wealth and reckless behaviour involving snorting Class A drugs from leadership contenders’ naked flesh.’

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Posted: May 20th, 2015
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Scotland invited to make its bloody mind up

there'll be a gloaming in their roamingsEngland, Wales and Northern Ireland, the other three constituent parts of the Divided Kingdom, have come together to ask Scotland if it wouldn’t mind pouring itself a nice glass of Irn-Bru and sorting its head out once and for all. This follows a referendum last year in which Scotland voted strongly against independence and a general election earlier this month in which it voted overwhelmingly for a party whose sole purpose is to secure independence.

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Posted: May 19th, 2015
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Siege ends after Edstone gives itself up

A three-day stand-off between police and Ed Miliband’s pledge stone, which had been holed up in a South-East London warehouse since Friday, has ended when the stone gave itself up.

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Posted: May 18th, 2015
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Miliband triumphs/fails

Mr Miliband's banana was ['very tasty, thank you'/'unavailable for comment']Their mother said the best man had [triumphed/been utterly humiliated].

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Posted: May 12th, 2015
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