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Posts Tagged ‘Ed Miliband’

Labour to show business-friendly credentials by snorting cocaine

Labour's only remaining option to get its confidence backStung by the revelation that its election campaign did not understand the worlds of enterprise and high finance, the contenders for the party leadership have vowed to prove their business credentials. This will start next week, with Yvette Cooper offering her naked buttocks as a cocaine-cruet for Andy Burnham.

‘In hindsight, our campaign lacked the energy that business-minded people can bring to the party,’ said Burnham, announcing the snorting programme. ‘We have overlooked the kind of people who aspire to prosperity, wealth and reckless behaviour involving snorting Class A drugs from leadership contenders’ naked flesh.’

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Posted: May 20th, 2015
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Scotland invited to make its bloody mind up

there'll be a gloaming in their roamingsEngland, Wales and Northern Ireland, the other three constituent parts of the Divided Kingdom, have come together to ask Scotland if it wouldn’t mind pouring itself a nice glass of Irn-Bru and sorting its head out once and for all. This follows a referendum last year in which Scotland voted strongly against independence and a general election earlier this month in which it voted overwhelmingly for a party whose sole purpose is to secure independence.

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Posted: May 19th, 2015
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Siege ends after Edstone gives itself up

A three-day stand-off between police and Ed Miliband’s pledge stone, which had been holed up in a South-East London warehouse since Friday, has ended when the stone gave itself up.

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Posted: May 18th, 2015
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Miliband triumphs/fails

Mr Miliband's banana was ['very tasty, thank you'/'unavailable for comment']Their mother said the best man had [triumphed/been utterly humiliated].

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Posted: May 12th, 2015
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Farage victorious in best pub crawl contest

asked to be woken up when it's all overNigel Farage has been chosen by the British electorate as the leader who has had the best pub crawl over the last four weeks.

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Posted: May 7th, 2015
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