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Posts Tagged ‘Education’

State school kids to ‘hand over pocket money at school gates’, confirms Gove

Michael Gove has today announced that students at state schools who receive over £10 a week in pocket money will be ‘stopped at the school gates by monitors’, nicknamed ‘Gove’s Angels’, and forced to voluntarily donate the cash to school funds. Although no physical force will be used, students who resist may see their grades go down and their cries of help ignored.

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Posted: Jan 20th, 2014
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School places to be allocated on a ‘bagsy’ basis

‘Some critics say that this is harsh, but as we all know, there is no higher authority than a bagsy.’

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Posted: Jan 2nd, 2014
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Malala ‘a saddo loser’ say British schoolkids

'she actually WANTS to go to school!'Schoolchildren up and down Britain are still struggling to come to terms with the acclaim accorded to Malala Yousafzai, a Pakistani school pupil and activist blogger who was shot in the head by the Taliban in 2011 for campaigning for girls’ education rights. They have unanimously agreed that her conduct is ‘well rank’ and that she should have been grateful not to have to sit through double Maths every Tuesday morning.

Malala’s courage and determination has earned her acclaim all over the world. Since her miraculous survival, she has been instrumental in the ratification of Pakistan’s first Right to Education Bill, was named one of Time Magazine’s ’100 Most Influential People in the World’ and was nominated for the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize among many other things. However, British teenagers have dismissed all this as ‘totally gay’.

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Posted: Dec 4th, 2013
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New schools inspector ‘has a little word’ with head teachers

not your typical inset dayThe Secretary of State for Education, Michael Gove, has announced the appointment of a new Chief Inspector for Schools. Ronnie ‘The Animal’ Henderson has been brought in, he said, ‘to add rigour and robustness to the schools inspection framework’.

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Posted: Nov 2nd, 2013
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Schools to make their own Goves using 3D printers

When state schools receive their new 3D printers the first thing they will be expected to do will be to make their own Michael Gove. The Goves are expected to be exact replicas of the Secretary of State for Education and will probably be situated in headteachers’ offices.

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Posted: Jul 9th, 2013
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