NewsBiscuit

Osama bin Laden today spoke out against what he called ‘the West’s evil, unremitting campaign of persecution’ waged by local party activists determined to secure his support in Thursday’s general election.

‘If it’s not the Tories, it’s Labour or the Liberal Democrats,’ fumed the al-Qaeda leader today. ‘All day every day I’m up and down to the cave door like a bloody yo-yo. I moved out here for a quiet life, you know, but every two minutes it’s ‘Can we count on your vote on Thursday, Mr bin Laden?’ Don’t tell me none of them saw my sign saying no door-to-door callers, free newspapers or intelligence agents.’

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Posted: May 4th, 2010
More from World News

As the election looks like requiring a replay, NewsBiscuit looks back at what the three main parties have been up to during ‘the Gordon Brown Years’.

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Posted: Apr 27th, 2010
More from Politics

A landmark ruling has overturned the ban on physical restraint being used on politicians during the election campaign. ‘Voters are now legally entitled to punch, kick and scratch anyone turning up at their door and asking for their vote,’ said the Lord Chief Justice, ‘It is clear provocation.’

The decision follows a number of high profile cases in which prospective parliamentary candidates were beaten to a bloody pulp on the doorstep. ‘When I opened my door this madman began hitting me with a list of manifesto pledges,’ said voter, Mrs Maureen Grebe, ‘When he started trying to kiss my baby I did what anyone would do in my situation. I twatted him round the head with a cricket bat.’

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Posted: Apr 9th, 2010
More from Politics

As conference season heralds the start of electioneering the main political parties have agreed to include a set of terms and conditions within their 2010 Election Manifestos in order to improve customer satisfaction.

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Posted: Oct 7th, 2009
More from News In Brief

Following an intense three hour cabinet meeting yesterday, the British government has embarked on a radical, election winning new initiative by turning its attentions to actually governing the country.

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Posted: Oct 5th, 2009
More from News In Brief