Only trust accredited scammers

The Association for Nigerian E-Finance today announced a quality assurance scheme to raise the standard of its online services. ‘We are concerned that the quality of email scams arising from our members has declined in recent years,’ said Mr Nigel Mwanga, Association spokesperson and only son of a recently deceased multi-millionaire oil executive. ‘We need to make sure Nigeria remains a market leader.’

The ‘Mystery Sucker’ scheme will see a group of UK undergraduates posing as unsuspecting punters and contacting the ‘Shop-a-Useless-Scammer Hotline’ when they come across unimaginative set-ups relayed in tell-tale broken English.

‘We believe this scheme will be a real winner,’ continued Mr Mwanga. ‘Unfortunately we’re having a few IT problems, so if members could just transfer the £10,000 registration fee into my sister-in-law’s bank account, we’ll put their certificates in the post.’

(Hat-tip to Golgo13)

‘Not only is the average postman’s bag overloaded with important messages re: your account,’ said Billy Hayes, General Secretary of the Communication Worker’s Union, ‘but the rounds have got longer since our members began delivering to ‘co.uk’ addresses.  And we’ve completely lost faith in the Hotmail management after their planned purchase of a new fleet of bicycles from a company offering name-brand products at crazy wholesale prices left postmen making their rounds on roller skates.’

The strike is expected to have a calamitous effect on the sex lives of Hotmail customers, with erectile dysfunction set to soar in the absence of trial offers of Viagra at $10 a go.  Experts also predict that the walkout could see the average penis size fall by as much as several inches as vital information about enlargement aids and natural supplements fails to get through to those who need it.  Members of the Nigerian royal family have also been quick to criticise Hotmail, though they have very generously agreed to give account holders until early next week to send them their name, date of birth and bank details in order to receive the $1 million that is waiting for them.

But Hotmail’s management are adamant that the service must be modernised after a regrettable mix up saw one customer receive a hand-delivered invitation to ‘Come visit brilliant store of my friend and your own eyes will say what madness these prices is,’ while news that Uncle Eric’s pacemaker finally hadn’t proved a match for his Thai bride was dumped straight into his trash can unopened.

Yet despite initial talks between unions and management, no one is hopeful of a swift end to the dispute.  ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if many of our members decided the time was right to walk away from Hotmail and explore other opportunities,’ said Billy Hayes.  ‘Although none of them remember applying, some of the lads have just found out their credit card applications have been approved, and others have received lucrative offers to earn up to $500 a day working from home.’

Best left unopened

Hormel Foods Corporation, the US company behind tinned Spam luncheon meat, was left reeling today after a hugely expensive email advertising campaign yielded precisely zero responses.  ‘If I didn’t know better, I’d say the messages weren’t getting through for some reason,’ said the Spam company’s Head of Marketing.  Subsequent research has suggested that customers did receive the emails, but that they stored them separately from their other messages to be opened only as a last resort.

Undeterred, the firm is now planning a more personal approach with millions of consumers set to receive an appeal from its Chief Executive, Dick Lengthener.

rickwestwell

Arthur’s widow Maisie, 75, tearfully explained that her late husband was meticulously polite all his life, and believed it was good manners to answer all correspondence promptly. ‘He was a good man,’ sobbed Maisie. ‘He believed in good, old fashioned manners and efficiency. He served 45 years in the Ministry of Agriculture and always boasted that he would clear his in-tray every day before leaving work. But just lately he became very depressed by the over-whelming number of emails he was getting. He was struggling to keep up with answering them all properly.’

Mr Spriggs first bought a computer three years ago to keep in touch with their son Barry, who had emigrated to Australia. Mrs Spriggs explained that all was well for a couple of years, and he even managed to keep up with acknowledging all the various joke circulars; forwarding round chain letters and petitions to ten friends; and politely declining invitations to help out potentially wealthy Nigerians. ‘But in the last few months the number of messages went up and up until it was thousands a day. Arthur was really fed up but he felt he just had to answer them all properly. That’s the way he was brought up, and it killed him in the end.’

Police investigating the incident found that the last 438 messages in Mr Spriggs’s sent folder read: ‘Dear Sir, I refer to your esteemed correspondence of the 18th inst. I beg to inform you that the length and girth of my penis is adequate for the requirements of my dear wife. I therefore must regretfully decline your kind invitation. I remain, sir, your humble servant, Arthur Spriggs.’

38-year-old Lucy said that she felt her clever use of emoticons brought sunshine and laughter in to her life and brightened the days of others in the office too. ‘Sometimes it all gets a bit too much for me, since Dave walked out, I have been finding it hard to cope. But I still have my smilies to cheer me up on a Monday morning. When I feel the dark clouds starting to gather I know that a :- ( is just an upside down :- )

Colleagues were less than convinced with one confiding ‘She’s really annoying with all that crap. I mean look at this memo she just sent. Little sad faces used slightly sarcastically when informing us that the coffee machine was broken and excessive use of smiley faces when saying that there would be cake in the boardroom for the receptionist’s birthday. Frankly, we all have problems, we deal with them and just bloody get on with it. She’s getting right on my ( . )( . )’s and I know that Cheryl in accounts said that she was starting to get up her \|/ too.’