All the big providers, including GoogleMail, Yahoo, and MS Outlook, will now allow easy filtering of emails from friends and relatives called Pam. The new versions of software will automatically separate emails they deem to have originated from a Pam into a different folder. There will also be a button marked ‘Pam’, to do it manually. Equally, there will be a button marked ‘This is not Pam’, should any non-Pam email be inadvertently diverted to the Pam folder.

Mrs Anderson from Mansfield said, ‘This will make life so much easier. I live in fear of missing an email from my sister Pam in America. At the moment, I have to keep a keen eye out for emails titled ‘You rate duck or what?’ but now all the hard work will be taken care of. From now on, Pam’s emails go straight into the Pam folder – good riddance to the stuck-up cow. ’

gleedo

Only trust accredited scammers

The Association for Nigerian E-Finance today announced a quality assurance scheme to raise the standard of its online services. ‘We are concerned that the quality of email scams arising from our members has declined in recent years,’ said Mr Nigel Mwanga, Association spokesperson and only son of a recently deceased multi-millionaire oil executive. ‘We need to make sure Nigeria remains a market leader.’

The ‘Mystery Sucker’ scheme will see a group of UK undergraduates posing as unsuspecting punters and contacting the ‘Shop-a-Useless-Scammer Hotline’ when they come across unimaginative set-ups relayed in tell-tale broken English.

‘We believe this scheme will be a real winner,’ continued Mr Mwanga. ‘Unfortunately we’re having a few IT problems, so if members could just transfer the £10,000 registration fee into my sister-in-law’s bank account, we’ll put their certificates in the post.’

(Hat-tip to Golgo13)

‘Not only is the average postman’s bag overloaded with important messages re: your account,’ said Billy Hayes, General Secretary of the Communication Worker’s Union, ‘but the rounds have got longer since our members began delivering to ‘co.uk’ addresses.  And we’ve completely lost faith in the Hotmail management after their planned purchase of a new fleet of bicycles from a company offering name-brand products at crazy wholesale prices left postmen making their rounds on roller skates.’

The strike is expected to have a calamitous effect on the sex lives of Hotmail customers, with erectile dysfunction set to soar in the absence of trial offers of Viagra at $10 a go.  Experts also predict that the walkout could see the average penis size fall by as much as several inches as vital information about enlargement aids and natural supplements fails to get through to those who need it.  Members of the Nigerian royal family have also been quick to criticise Hotmail, though they have very generously agreed to give account holders until early next week to send them their name, date of birth and bank details in order to receive the $1 million that is waiting for them.

But Hotmail’s management are adamant that the service must be modernised after a regrettable mix up saw one customer receive a hand-delivered invitation to ‘Come visit brilliant store of my friend and your own eyes will say what madness these prices is,’ while news that Uncle Eric’s pacemaker finally hadn’t proved a match for his Thai bride was dumped straight into his trash can unopened.

Yet despite initial talks between unions and management, no one is hopeful of a swift end to the dispute.  ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if many of our members decided the time was right to walk away from Hotmail and explore other opportunities,’ said Billy Hayes.  ‘Although none of them remember applying, some of the lads have just found out their credit card applications have been approved, and others have received lucrative offers to earn up to $500 a day working from home.’

It also transpires that not printing the odd email may not make as much difference to global warming as the construction of hundreds of Chinese power stations, the huge rise in air travel and the world’s population spiralling out of control. On hearing this, many office workers emailed each other the depressing news, then printed out the email just so they didn’t lose it.

‘We’re as surprised as anyone that such a well-thought out strategy isn’t putting everything right,’ said Rajendra Pachauri of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. ‘Even the subtle variations aren’t working. The typical response to the more direct ‘Save the rainforest’ message was ‘sure, right after I’ve printed this 86-page report’, while ‘Think before you print this email’ has generally been interpreted as ‘observe a moment’s silence before slaying another tree’.

Understandably the news has sent shockwaves through the Green movement, but activists have moved quickly to unveil a range of more radical proposals to save the world. Envelopes carrying the message ‘Do you really need to include a letter?’ will soon hit the shops, while manufacturers are pre-programming all new wide-screen TVs with immovable subtitles asking the viewer ‘Are you sure you couldn’t make do with only a 38-inch set?’ and ‘Why do you want to watch this shit anyway?’ Free newspaper distributors have also pledged to send their goods straight to recycling plants to save everyone the inconvenience.

But perhaps the most innovative new approach is one that will see posters in nightclubs urging customers to ‘take home a minger’. ‘The more ugly people there are having sex, the more light bulbs get turned off at night,’ said one randy, unwashed environmentalist with long, matted hair.