Ambulance service outsourced to bus and courier companies
Hailed as ‘another triumph of public-private partnership’, it was announced that NHS ambulance services are to be outsourced to a joint venture initiative between Arriva Bus and NextDay Couriers. Under the new 999ArrivaNextDay service, members of the public requiring hospitalisation will either be picked up from a bus stop or, if unable to make that journey due to their injuries, be collected by courier during the ‘Morning’ (8am to 1pm) or ‘Afternoon’ (1pm to 6pm) for next day delivery.
‘Now they know how we feel when they turn up late with the wrong pizza.’
‘What with the turbulence and only a plastic knife and fork to cut with, it’s a miracle she made it through.’
Tragedy was nearly averted after an 83 year old widow fell down the stairs, and her distressed cat rushed to the phone, knocked the receiver off its cradle and then dialled out for help. Sadly, instead of dialling 999 as is traditional, the cat dialled a premium rate porn line, and the kitten’s owner died some time later. 
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