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Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has announced that the defeated England football team are to enter into coalition with Germany. Under the arrangement three England players will now join the German side although they will only be allowed to sit on the bench.

‘The Anglo-German coalition represents a new kind of progressive football,’ said Mr Clegg, ‘it gives England a once in a lifetime opportunity to go through to the final stages of the World Cup. In return, all the Germans ask for is our undivided loyalty.’

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Posted: Jun 28th, 2010
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In the largest experiment of its kind for four years, the power of St George or his flag to have the slightest influence on worldly events, let alone bring about a miracle, has been proven beyond doubt not to exist.

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Posted: Jun 28th, 2010
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England goalkeeper David James surprised reporters last night by eschewing the England team’s official regalia of Marks & Spencer grey suit, waistcoat and tie at a function at the British High Commission, and instead opting for a yellow long-sleeved polyester top with elbow and shoulder padding, complemented by a pair of thick white gloves designed by Umbro.

‘Goalkeepers are like method actors,’ said former England goalkeeper Bob Wilson. ‘It’s not a role you can just slip in and out of. People assume that goalies wear different outfits to the rest of the team for the extra protection and easy on-field identification, but it’s actually because we want to show everyone that we’re individuals, and that different rules apply to us both on and off the pitch.’

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Posted: Jun 19th, 2010
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‘One or two of the lads mumbled a word or two of disappointment, but most of us felt pretty guilty for presuming the pub would be showing the football and not something the girls might want to watch.’

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Posted: Jun 13th, 2010
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The Football Association hit back last night after the international community criticised the England football team for becoming embroiled in yet another intractable foreign campaign that everyone agrees is unwinnable. ‘We have learned from the mistakes of the past,’ said David Sheepshanks, joint-acting Chairman of the FA. ‘This time we are entering the competition with a clear exit strategy. I give England fans my word that we will have the boys home inside a fortnight.’

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Posted: Jun 9th, 2010
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