Football fans are bracing themselves at the thought of former England captain John Terry playing naked. This has been advocated as a compromise in a situation where free trade rules allow him to carry on playing but no-one wishes the colour of their shirt to be associated with him.

‘Blue and yellow are out, because they are Chelsea’s home and away colours, and red and white rules out England,’ explained Martin Fairnsbairns of solicitors FC De Reya. ‘In fact, almost any recognisably football-oriented kit of any colour with the possible exception of pink, may suggest any side, including, indeed, Hereford United.’

With the alternative of a tartan jock strap and turquoise socks ruled out as impractical, an FA spokemsan said that there was no solution for Terry other than to play stark naked. ‘Besides, it’ll save time if any of his teammates’ girlfriends pop by after the game.’

‘We realise this is an unconventional step after conviction,’ said the players’ solicitor. ‘But as Ken Clarke keeps telling everybody, it’s very expensive to keep people in prison, so with the correct cricketing equipment, including bails, these three wrongly-convicted players could pay for their own upkeep by orchestrating some fake matches and cashing in on the gambling profits. Not that they’ve ever done that before, of course.’

The judge, Mr Justice Cooke, recognised that the appeal was highly unusual. ‘I’m stumped,’ he said. ‘I’m not inclined to grant them bails as they showed absolutely no balls in court. Not a strategy that will work for them in prison, of course.’

nods to apepper, Screenie and charlies_hat

‘That brand of English cricket was our country’s way of apologising for the empire, and fulfilled the useful humanitarian role of giving the poor Australians something to feel good about, a rare thing for a nation so quiet, shy, humble and self-deprecating.’

‘This distressing habit of winning again and again is really going to have to stop, he concluded. ‘Frankly, it’s just not cricket.’

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‘It’s typical,’ said Brenda Wright of Netball Team United. ‘When Tamsin Greenway is named England vice-captain, it barely gets mentioned. But just because she goes out with one of the most successful plasterers in Watford, he’s all over the papers.’

And the tabloids have recently focussed not on the late call-up for Team Bath Wing Attack Lindsey Keble –who  has been granted unpaid leave from her teaching job and clears nearly £600 a week before tax – but on her quite good looking husband.

England captain Karen Atkinson is particularly concerned about the youngest team member, Naomi Siddall.

‘Naomi’s other half is a nice enough bloke and a very capable surveyor,’ she said,’ but if I read another article about his after-shave and how many Asda shirts he has, I’ll throw up my white wine spritzer. Honestly, I’d feel sorry for her if her legs didn’t look so much nicer than mine in a pleated skirt, the jammy cow.’

‘When I started losing my hair in the late 50s, I was afraid it would damage my image if the public found out,’ explained Sir Bobby. ‘I considered making a rugging order, but our mam recommended a comb-over. To my surprise it worked and nobody noticed.’

By the late 60s the situation was getting worse, and Charlton went for a Super comb-over. ‘It started just above one ear and went all the way over the top and down the other side. It was so effective that still nobody noticed, even on very rare occasions when it slipped.’

Critics of Super comb-overs however argued that it was ineffective outside of England. ‘We called him Old Shinyheid in our headlines’ said one veteran Scottish reporter, ‘but in those days no-one in England had access to Scottish papers so it wasn’t a problem. I’m sure someone must have named his comb-over in a letter or phonecall though.’

The premier league is bracing itself for a new flood of overseas imports after FIFA agreed to the free transfer of foreign abverbs.

A football agent explained: ‘There is a massive shortage of adverbs in the English game, as they all seem to go off to poncy sports like cricket and tennis. In football English words have always performed nice and bright and I think they done great up to now, even if it’s been a big ask to play adjectives and nouns out of position.’

Newcastle manager Sam Allardyce, who has already made a number of signings from Paris Saint Germain, said: ‘We have waited ‘nerveusement’ to see how the new boys would fit in. At the start, when they was tackled from behind by a big English preposition they tended to react a bit ‘furioso’. However once they got going they fitted in ‘bene’ and played very ‘atemberaubend’ compared to the English lads who also done great. I mean done ‘buono.’

English players meanwhile are attempting to improve their grasp of continental languages. After a season of Italian lessons, many of them have already mastered the word ‘pizza’.