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Posts Tagged ‘EU’

Cats still to decide on inside or outside referendum

The National Cat Association (NCA) has admitted that there is still no consensus about whether they want the free-market roaming that the garden represents or the warm monetary union offered by the airing cupboard.  A spokes-cat said: ‘We didn’t expect a swift decision; to be honest, it could be years.  What we will say is that shouting at us will not make it any quicker’.

Those in favour of staying indoors have said the deal has been sweetened by their German owner, offering additional squatting rights with any cardboard box, computer keyboard or lap of their choice.

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Posted: Nov 22nd, 2015
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Cameron ‘definitely going to do something about Europe’

David Cameron has announced that if the EU doesn’t listen to him, he may get very angry and may probably, if he feels like it, pull of out of Europe. However, he will first have to ask the party, then have a referendum, but only if the Commons votes for one, though only if the Cabinet wants a Commons vote on whether there should be a referendum and only if he wants the Cabinet to request a Commons vote

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Posted: Nov 9th, 2015
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EU fence-making industry booming

With the migrant crisis showing no signs of abating, the EU today reported that the fastest growing industry within its borders is the manufacture of fences.

The news came on the back of reports that both Croatia and Slovenia are considering controls on their borders, similar to the ones implemented by Hungary over the last week. With both Hungary and Bulgaria looking to fences as a method to control the flow into their countries, the news has further bolstered the burgeoning fence industry.

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Posted: Sep 18th, 2015
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Tabloids produce something more distasteful than a Diana plate

Daily Express readers were flocking to their phones this morning to place a deposit on a newly minted Royal Worcester set of chinaware – featuring the short, tragic but impactful life of a deceased refugee ‘of your choice’. The centrepiece of the collection is a gravy boat depicting a body strewn Turkish beach; which guarantees to transform the tone of your after-dinner tete a tete from abhorrence of scrounging migrants to the economic possibilities afforded by refugees.

‘Ever since these powerful images appeared, we have been inundated with requests to do something that will never be forgotten, preferably unsavoury…’

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Posted: Sep 8th, 2015
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We ♥ Migrants

Politicians and giddy school girls alike have stormed the internet in search for tips on how to copy the latest fashion sensation – ‘Refugee Chic’. Anyone who is anyone is desperate to get themselves photographed next to a drowned body, a reeking container or a somewhat stressed-looking border guard.

One designer declared: ‘Migrants are so 2015. Sunken cheeks, hollow eyes and a rather damp smell. You can mix and match any clothing or colours, provided it looks like you’re wearing your entire wardrobe. And no outfit would be complete without figure-hugging children, draped over your shoulders’.

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Posted: Sep 7th, 2015
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