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Europeans took to the streets in celebration today after foiling a daring plot by the Conservative Party to ‘completely eradicate’ the European Parliament. On the night of November 5th a man was discovered in a cellar underneath the European Parliament drafting a carefully-worded letter to the Council of Ministers tentatively asking if it would possibly be all right if Westminster might have some of its powers back, as long as they didn’t mind. Soon afterwards effigies of David Cameron were being lit and fireworks set off in a collective outpouring of relief that the Tory conspiracy had come to light now, giving the 26 EU member states precious time to compose themselves and prepare a suitably diplomatic response.

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Posted: Nov 6th, 2009
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British voters have forced the leader of the British National Party Nick Griffin out of the country after electing him as a member of the European Parliament as a wind up. ‘Now they’re saying they want me to go and work with hundreds of disgusting foreigners’ Griffin whined.

In his victory speech, the tearful BNP leader complained that his so-called supporters ‘didn’t care about his feelings’ and admitted that he hadn’t really thought it through. ‘Don’t make me go and sit with those smelly Europeans’ he pleaded. ‘They’ll speak to me in their funny languages and make me eat hummous and garlic and all that. I don’t know what I was thinking.’

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Posted: Jun 9th, 2009
More from Politics

British voters casting their votes in the elections for the European Parliament have sent a clear message to the politicians that they are solidly against them ‘going on about really complicated stuff that we don’t really understand’. A demand for simpler, more straight forward issues is the recurring theme that is emerging from the results across the country.

‘How would the European Charter of human rights affect employment prospects in Britain’s service industries?’ asked Colin Taylor one of the voters interviewed outside his polling station on Thursday, ‘I haven’t got the foggiest; it’s all far too subtle and nuanced for me, and I deeply resent the fact. For this reason I’ll be making a futile protest vote with one of those extreme little parties who have clearly thought about all that stuff even less than I have.’

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Posted: Jun 8th, 2009
More from Politics

Shopkeepers and local services in Kent are conspiring not to understand a word that UKIP leader Nigel Farage says whenever he comes into their shops. Rashish Mahmoud, of Mahmoud’s Food & Wine told reporters, ‘It’s just to mess with his head really, nothing…oh shit, here he comes…what what? Hello please? No paper deliverings today? Yes, yes… We have many, many newspapers…Goodbye please? As I was saying it’s nothing personal, it’s just a bit of a laugh…’

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Posted: Apr 25th, 2009
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