‘As soon as you tell them your occupation, it’s like, they don’t want to know’ said Kevin 21, from his hospital bed in Dagenham. ‘It’s like, ‘Oh Crash Test Dummy?’ – that’s actually the highest risk category and sorry, we no longer insure drivers of that profession. Plus you’re a male and under 25 so frankly it would be cheaper to hire a chauffer and a private limo…’

Crash test dummies blame media images of them being catapulted through windscreens or crushed by mangled steel, claiming that they never show the many uneventful tests in which the drivers emerged unscathed. ‘It’s no better than racism or other forms of discrimination. One insurance website asked if any of the named drivers had black and yellow circles on the side of their heads. That’s not a million miles away from what Hitler was all about…’ continued Kevin before slipping back into unconsciousness, following a life-threatening car accident.

But a Geoffrey Nolan from the Association of Motor Insurers claim that their premiums are simply based on data. ‘Our statistics have shown that Crash Test Dummies are the most likely group of all to be involved in a serious car crash. These young lads see a wall and just seem to have this compulsion to drive straight into at great speed…’

Now the Association of Crash Test Dummies has called for a national protest this Saturday, which will involve them blocking various motorways by going deliberately slowly in all three lanes. ‘Yeah, they tried this before…’ said Nolan, ‘but they got bored after five minutes and accelerated up to ninety miles an hour straight into the wall of Costa Coffee at Gordano Services.’

‘I’m just so glad this plot was foiled before anyone got seriously hurt,’ said José Manuel Barroso, current president of the European Council. ‘Can you imagine if they’d dropped a bombshell like that on a packed European Parliament? There could have been carnage as representatives fell off their seats laughing and dropped hot drinks in their laps. Renegotiate all the European treaties? Priceless!’

Had the Tories’ secret plan come to fruition, it is likely that all member states would have agreed to cede powers to Britain as their surprised representatives rolled on the floor screaming ‘Stop it! You’re killing me! Have anything – I just can’t take anymore!’ Officials are now engaged in a race against time to ensure they comply with a strict EU directive requiring them to keep a straight face as they tell William Hague ‘no’, ‘non’, ‘nein’, ‘nincs’, ‘nr’, ‘não’, and ‘ne’.

Despite the controversy, pro-Europeans from across the political spectrum have had nothing but praise for the efforts of the Conservatives to unite all EU member states in amusement. ‘We often get criticised for having no sense of humour,’ said German premier Angela Merkel, ‘but even we laughed at this one. It’s true that the best comedy travels. I love all David Cameron’s stuff, he’s so funny.’

However, the Conservative Party leader today insisted that Europe’s embracing of Bonfire Night was simply ‘a further admission that the British ways of life are the best’. He went on to promise a renegotiation of the Magna Carta, a referendum on whether there ought to have been a referendum, and a firm commitment to close the stable door by the end of the next Parliament.

In his victory speech, the tearful BNP leader complained that his so-called supporters ‘didn’t care about his feelings’ and admitted that he hadn’t really thought it through. ‘Don’t make me go and sit with those smelly Europeans’ he pleaded. ‘They’ll speak to me in their funny languages and make me eat hummous and garlic and all that. I don’t know what I was thinking.’

However Mr Griffin has hinted that he might refuse to serve in Strasbourg. ‘It’s an infringement of my human rights,’ he declared. ‘I don’t even agree with the European Union so I’ve already spoken to my lawyers and we’re taking this to the European Court of Human Rights.’

The plan to send the BNP leader into exile was hatched on an internet chat room, where bloggers conspired to lobby the far-right leader to stand as an MEP, and then persuaded thousands of liberals to vote for him in the hope that the xenophobe might be surrounded by foreigners for the next five years. The joke worked better than any of them dared hope, with a second BNP representative being elected in Yorkshire. The campaigners are now demanding that the government refuse them re-admission to the United Kingdom, following the precedent of an earlier far-right European politician who was turned around at Heathrow Airport. Griffin has asked that the BNP’s policy idea of voluntary repatriation be extended to far-right MEPs who have been forced to live abroad due to circumstances beyond their control.

The BNP have said that they will continue to campaign for the deportation of all Britons of immigrant stock which unfortunately includes the entire BNP membership, and everybody else in the United Kingdom, except one rather strange looking man from a village in Shropshire.

Story by The Paper Ostrich with additions by Genghis and Red – and thanks to all who made suggestions especially Stan Laurel

‘How would the European Charter of human rights affect employment prospects in Britain’s service industries?’ asked Colin Taylor one of the voters interviewed outside his polling station on Thursday, ‘I haven’t got the foggiest; it’s all far too subtle and nuanced for me, and I deeply resent the fact. For this reason I’ll be making a futile protest vote with one of those extreme little parties who have clearly thought about all that stuff even less than I have.’

It was a sentiment shared by local greengrocer Sheila Halbery: ‘I keep asking myself how the planned 2014 redistribution of national voting weights will effect the economic implications of the Lisbon treaty for the UK workforce. And then I realise I have no idea what the Lisbon treaty is … It’s time that our politicians stopped telling us all this stuff that we don’t understand, and then expecting us to vote for them. Until then, I’m voting UKIP for no discernable reason.’

‘These findings can be seen as a shot across the bows of the current three party system’ explained Graham Powell, head of political polling at MORI. ‘The electorate is saying ‘How dare you take millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money, and spend it on schemes and policies that we don’t really grasp.’ The big message from the electorate seems to be ‘Stop making us look stupid or suffer the consequences.”

The Conservatives have gone on a last minute door-to-door offensive, trying to explain the difference between the Maastricht and Lisbon treaties by dividing up a Sara Lee gateau between plastic Smurf toys. Their efforts appear to be in vain though; ‘I appreciate that they’re making an effort’ said arc welder Ron Sizewell after a visit from his local Tory MEP ‘but we have a long tradition in this household: my father, and his father before him, has always made a pointless protest vote at European and Council elections. However, I will now go online and read the re-drafted European Services directive, just as soon as I’ve finished this delicious slab of Mandarin cheesecake.’

Other shops have refused the UKIP leader’s money saying they only take Euros, Indian rupees or Eastern Caribbean Dollars. A creative rivalry is developing amongst his local shopkeepers as they stop serving him to pray to Mecca or cover the face of all the women on the packaging. His local butcher said ‘Nigel knows I’m English so I put my finger to my lips and then wrote him a note saying that I’d been told that under the latest Brussels directive I wasn’t allowed to speak English out loud because it was racist. He didn’t want our Halal goat’s testicles either, which I claimed is all I’m allowed to sell.’

Speaking in the European Parliament yesterday, Nigel Farage complained that shopkeepers near his home were apparently compelled under EC law to wear German lederhosen and sing the Horst Wessel song every time anyone walked into their shop. However the rest of the British Euro M.P.s pretended not to understand him, saying they were just doing this job until they had earned enough to go home to Poland.