The change will mean the end of confusion over the meaning of URLS such as therapistfinder.com. Soon you will simply be able to type The Rapist Finder.com. Online stationery supplier penisland.net is bracing itself for a 99% reduction in its hit count, while staff at Italian electricity supplier powergenitalia.com will finally be less embarrassed by their company email addresses.  Google will, for the first time, be known under the more appropriate name, Go Ogle.

Bloggers were quick to react to the news.  ‘Internet to be litterate??? WTF Wot is problm anywhay?’ said LimeWireJunkie27, (not his real name).  ‘They shud stop changng intrface on Twitter, coz new 1 is stupd.’  Twitter users also welcomed the new development ‘Perhaps the computer scientists will allow us to use more than 140 characters for one individual Tweet?  Because at the moment I find that ‘

Boutros

According to the TUC’s figures 5.3 million workers regularly work an average of 7.2 hours of unpaid overtime a week. The Employers Association’s figures however show that over 10 million workers often spend up to 30 hours a week ‘Dicking about on the internet, checking Facebook on their phone, or just having a bit of a chat, while desperately trying to look busy’.

‘That’s before we even get started on the idiots who actually create work every time they decide they can be bothered to try and do something productive.’ explained spokesman Jeremy Tomlinson, ‘The average idiot in an office can create approximately 75 hours of work for other people, unpicking and correcting all of their cock-ups, during a standard 40 hour week.’

The report finds that around a third of the UK workforce abuse their employers’ trust, resulting in businesses forking out up to 7 billion hours’ pay for the pleasure of their company, and says this is a problem that desperately needs addressing.

‘These people may be hungover, having personal problems outside of work that stop them concentrating, or may just be work-shy gits.’ continued Mr Tomlinson, ‘There are a variety of factors that contribute to it, and employers need to be empathetic, understanding, and tolerant, without compromising the viability of their business. But something certainly needs to be done.’

‘Now, if you’ll excuse me I was just in the middle of a game of poker on Facebook.’

Figures showed that chat rooms lay almost dormant on the 27th December, but by 09:01 the next day the numbers had gone up by 520,000. Further breakdowns showed that 66% of internet users were on chat rooms, 23% were on bingo websites and the remaining 11% were Googling their own names, looking at a friend’s baby pictures or writing on spoof news websites.

One chat room user had started a thread entitled ‘Getting round the blocks for Facebook’ which had attracted contributions from administrators at MI5 and the stationery team at Number 10. When the elusive poster was asked about their job, they replied only with a short statement stating that they wished to remain anonymous ‘in case one of their managers was online too.’

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‘Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but only in very small doses’ Porche, 19, from Essex told us. ‘I would rather go to Next.co.uk or play Dwane at poker on Facebook.’

A leading psychologist explained that modern technology, and a seemingly endless connection to the internet, has meant the deterioration of ‘quality family time’ at Christmas. ‘I could go on to explain the reasons that people are more attached to the internet than they are to their families, and why attention spans are decreasing, but why bother. This quote will be at the end of your report so no one will read it.’

‘By comparing profile information, smiley face usage and posts about their horoscope, we can tell you which people you might as well cut dead now,’ said Mark Zuckerberg. ‘It can be very time-consuming ignoring people you worked with six years ago or met at a cousin’s wedding, but if one of your friends is caught ‘liking’ a crisp flavour, posts one too many pictures of their kitten or updates their status to say they bought Take That tickets, we can ‘unfriend’ them in a blink of an eye.’

Facebook is now looking to take the app further. ‘Once we have a comprehensive list of people you wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire, we can sell that data to advertisers. Nothing is more likely to make you buy a new laptop than a banner showing your friend Malcolm’s ugly children crying on a camping holiday.’

Baron had spent months planning her expedition, and took advice from Ranulph Fiennes. ‘Ranulph is a lovely man, and has a lot of experience at failing to get to the Poles’ said Baron, ‘he was very generous with his time. We spent over a month together training, by the end of it I almost felt like I knew him, despite him not having a Facebook account.’

Baron partly blames Fiennes for her failure, as she heeded his advice to undergo the expedition in Summer. ‘The 24 hour glare of the Antarctic Summer sun made it almost impossible to see the screen on a smart phone’ complained Baron. ‘No wonder nobody lives there. After the first day, I’d only covered 60 metres. Having to pitch my tent three times an hour just to try and see if Stephen Fry had tweeted about me was exhausting. And I couldn’t even update my status with a frowny face.’

Mobile data signals are notoriously weak in the South Pole, but that didn’t stop Baron from fiddling with her phone almost constantly. ‘I was very keen to tweet my progress, but I never saw more than one bar, all the time I was there’ she confided. ‘Fortunately, that didn’t stop me from playing Angry Birds.’

The record for the youngest expedition to the South Pole was set by Andrew Cooney in 2003, at the tender age of 23. Few think his achievement will ever be bettered. ‘Cooney set his record almost a year before the launch of Facebook, and a full three years before Twitter’ confirmed Ben Fogle, who completed the inaugural 2009 South Pole Race, with only a full BBC film crew to show off to.

‘Cooney’s planning was meticulous, he even managed to get out there before MySpace’ enthused Fogle, ‘It’s hard to understand where he got his motivation from. When we look back at his achievements we can only imagine the hardships he put up with, although he did keep a very detailed diary. I doubt we’ll ever see that sort of attention span again.’

Baron hasn’t given up yet, and is planning a second attempt before time runs out. ‘I really want to do something with my life, something that will make people sit up and take notice, and inspire them to follow me on Twitter’ said Baron, as she distractedly held her mobile above her head, and squinted at it. ‘The signal in here is rubbish. I’m just going outside, I may be some time.’

The man, who has not been named, was stopped by police for a random breathalyser test as part of a seasonal drink driving prevention campaign. ‘The test proved negative,’ explained sergeant Mike Norsworthy. ‘However just as I was sending the chap on his way I noticed a Fine Young Cannibals album sticking out of the glove compartment of his vehicle, being a fellow fan I asked for permission to ‘Friend’ him on Facebook.  It was then that he confessed to myself and two other officers that he was not in possession of a valid account. Further questions revealed that he was also not on Twitter, LinkedIn or Spotify.

A case was put together for a prosecution under the new social networking laws, but was dropped when the judge hearing the charges asked ‘What’s Facebook?’

David Blame