The act is said to have involved throwing caution to the winds and to have demonstrated characteristics such as brio, risk, an indifference to social norms and an exceptional spirit of adventure.

But social anthropologists have cast doubt on the reports pointing out that the likelihood of a man wearing an Autograph pure cotton mock layer gingham check cardigan with ribbed hem and cuffs confronting an escaped lion was remote.

Separate reports of several women seen looking admiringly at a man wearing an M&S Blue Harbour pure wool long-sleeved cardigan in charcoal grey have been discounted by anthropologist Dr Sheila Samoa (bright red Sarah Lund jumper).

‘This invention brings an end to the discrimination against two of the most useful limbs of the body,’ said engineer and inventor Wallace Peeves. ‘Much like a jumper for the upper torso, it is worn over the primary trouser layer and gives extra warmth and protection to the lowest of the vital organs, the knees. I call them trumpers.’

Leg jumpers, or trumpers, are set to hit the shops in time for Christmas and comes in a variety of designs, including the embarrassing ‘woollen Christmas’ style as well as the more subtle plain cotton variant. The product will be marketed with the slogan, ‘Legs – you have been warmed.’

kga6

Equally critical was Vivienne Westwood, ‘It’s shocking to see women throwing Molotov cocktails completely hidden under hoodies and tracksuit bottoms, which they seem to be stealing even more of. My advice to them, when they make their court appearances, is to enhance their figures with tight PVC and leather undergarments.’

The only positive comment came from Ann Summer’s Jacqueline Gold. ‘Seeing the cops strolling around menacingly and then beating protestors to a pulp has resulted in bumper demand for police outfits, nurses costumes, handcuffs and, of course, our vibrating truncheons.’

‘Many of the people buying these T-shirts simply don’t know any better and it’s right that we try to help them,’ said a government spokesman. ‘Focusing on basic history and the concept of irony, the course will address the key thinking deficits that inspired this inexplicable purchase.’

Those buying Guevara T-shirts will be required to attend a course where participants will be streamed according to their level of ignorance. ‘Sadly there are some who assume that Guevara was an ethnic-looking rock singer from before their time,’ continued the spokesman. ‘They have the furthest to travel, and we’ll ease them in gently with introductory modules such as ‘Communism for beginners’ and ‘Who was that beardy guy anyway?’’

For the marginally more informed who bought the garment to show solidarity with socialist causes, the course will principally focus on developing a proper sense of irony. Exercises will include group discussions on topics such as ‘If Guevara was still alive, what would he think about his image being commodified on a sweat-shop produced T-shirt?’ and ‘The importance of dressing well while planning for collectivist agrarian reform’.

‘Finally,’ added the spokesman, ‘those who claim to wear a Guevara T-shirt as a postmodernist statement will be spared the training course and will instead be set upon by a group of hunger-crazed militant Marxists before being ordered to sign the Pretentious Smartarse Register for the next ten years.’

But the government accepts that even after extensive training some buyers of Guevara T-shirts may still not get it. ‘Irony is a difficult thing to grasp. So those still none-the-wiser will be subject to the same fate as befell Cuban political dissidents at the hands of Guevara, and will be summarily executed by firing squad. That should help them understand.’

Corrigan

‘There was a lot of interest in the sale,’ said Mavis Jones, manager of the Cat Protection League shop. ‘Two customers thought about it and one even tried it on, but in the end offered only £3. I’m glad we held out for the higher bid. Head Office are thrilled.’

Mrs Foster said she had decided to sell the frock – pink with a bold floral pattern and gold edgings – only after seeing Marilyn Monroe’s frock sold for £2.8m a few days ago.

‘It reminded me of my frock and the day of my sister’s wedding,’ she said. ‘The best man said I reminded him a bit of Arthur Miller.’

A Galliano spokesman said:

‘John could have simply expanded into other ethnic groups beyond his stylistic restaurant anti-semitism, but only a world-class xenophobe could reinvent himself in this way.

‘ ‘Grosse Misconduct’, with a deceptively French feel, relies on a medley of traditional scorn and contemporary hatred drawn from his own considerable experience and aimed at himself and those who revere him. It is sure to offend even the most carefree gay and lesbian communities.’

The spokesman added that GM was a valuable step towards the designer’s ‘total alienation and would probably earn him a custodial sentence award’.

Galliano is rumoured to be now working on a new ensemble, ‘Misogyny’, and a new line in convict abuse which he expects to model himself.

‘Both of these practices promote a sexualisation of the unborn,’ said Eunice Showalter of the Society for the Protection of Embryonic Rights Movement (SPERM). ‘Images of naked foetuses are being casually passed around by pregnant women wearing inappropriate underwear in places like wine bars, in the workplace via mobile phones and even posted on the internet. Imagine if these images ended up in the hands of foetophiles.’

High-street clothing giant Primark has reacted to the campaign by putting on hold its new range of clothing for foetuses.

Dick Everyman

The scheme allows cash-strapped families to receive pre-loaded recycling tubs filled with premium-label empties such as Tanqueray No. Ten gin, Glenlivet 21-year-old single malt whisky and a selection of classic English ales to put in front of their houses for collection the following day, concealing the reality that they will be attempting to sustain their drunken haze over the holidays with Sainsbury’s ‘basics’ range vodka and cooking sherry.

This follows a broadly successful pilot scheme run last year, although the council’s initial offer to lend residents cardboard boxes from high-end electronics goods to leave in their front drives was withdrawn after a spate of burglaries that resulted in the council facing legal action from both the victims and the burglars, who claimed false advertising.

Feedback is generally positive, with one user commenting anonymously, ‘People expect to see something decent in your [recycling] tub, especially over Christmas and the New Year – a bottle or two of Veuve Clicquot, some Bombay Sapphire. Word gets round pretty quickly if you’ve just put out a few empty PET bottles of White Lightning.’

However, it’s not just residents’ blushes the scheme is saving – supporters believe that a better class of empties can increase a house’s ‘kerb appeal’, thus boosting property prices, and if this year’s roll-out is successful, the council plans to extend the programme to replacing all the empty Carlsberg Special Brew cans in neighbourhood parks and shrubs with high-end Belgian beer bottles, such as Chimay Blanche-Tripel and Duvel.

‘It’s a win-win situation,’ claimed council spokesman, Simon Craig. ‘We gentrify neighbourhoods, residents can keep up appearances and we get to put these glass containers to good use rather than just mixing them with the other rubbish and chucking them in the land-fill like we usually do.

22 December 2010