'Don't let my fat arse put you off that doughnut'

Dawn Franklin, a 34-year-old size 8 from Bristol, admitted yesterday that her references to insecurity about the size of her bum were ‘less about womanly solidarity, and more about reminding my friends that there’s such a thing as self-control – or at the very least Weightwatchers.’

The skinny cow also confessed to using the expression ‘I wish I had your curves’ as a passive-aggressive term of abuse, and revealed that when she says the media promotes unrealistic images of women, she means unrealistic for most of her acquaintances, ‘many of whom would benefit from puking up the occasional gravy-drenched dinner or two.’

In defending her actions, Franklin stressed that she rarely mentions her small and neat behind in mixed company, and when in front of the opposite sex only ever complains about being miserably flat-chested. She then threw back her shoulders, setting her 36C breasts gently jiggling, before moaning to girlfriends that blokes never look you in the eye.

By DrTurmoil

Campaigners say that the worrying trend has led to a big increase in young girls and boys logging on to ‘pro-curvy’ websites where they can swap tips on how to add calories to their meals and cut PE classes at school, as well as buy posters of fat role models which are ruthlessly marketed as ‘an essential addition to any child’s bedroom wall, and a tasty after-dinner snack’.  Doctors have also noted a rise in cases of children with pro-eating disorders, with many youngsters lying to friends and family about how much they’ve eaten to ‘talk up’ their obesity.

Patricia Airey, mother of ten-year-old Rainbow, backs Save the Children’s campaign.  ‘I’m forever telling Rainbow that she’s perfect just as she is, but she’s always looking at herself in the mirror and complaining about being too thin.  She keeps asking when her muffin tops and love handles are going to develop.  It breaks my heart.  Kids grow out so fast these days.’

‘If I’m honest, though,’ she went on, ‘Rainbow may be a bit on the slim side, but she doesn’t listen when I tell her it’s what’s on the inside that counts.  ‘All that’s on the inside is a full English breakfast, two pasties, four packets of crisps and a king-size mars bar,’ she shouts at me, ‘and that’s just not enough these days, mum!’  I wish I had the money to give her the start in life she deserves.’

But Children, Schools and Families Secretary Ed Balls was unapologetic about the Government’s drive to bulk up the younger generation.  ‘The Americans are way out in front, even when we’re stood shoulder-to-shoulder, so we’ve got a lot of ground to make up.  And there’s no point being top of the European league table for teenage pregnancies if the children we’re bringing into the world are only normally proportioned,’ he said today at the launch of a new scheme allowing teenage schoolchildren to exchange contraceptives for cake.

The findings are proving controversial for some who believe that being excessively overweight was due to either genetic, hormonal or psychological factors. ‘I felt sure my daughter was so huge because of an under active thyroid, or an over active one,’ said Lauren Tonatchwik, mother of 19 stone Tammy, aged six. ‘It never occurred to me that it might be connected to the eight milkshakes and fourteen candy bars she eats a day, inbetween KFC Bargain Buckets.’

The relationship between the eating of the food and the subsequent weight gain is complex, but in essence it appears that the more a child eats the greater the likelihood of them becoming obese. Furthermore, it is claimed that sitting around all day on a sofa watching television seems to do nothing to shift the weight.

One overweight child said, ‘My Mom’s obese, my Pa’s obese, My Grandpa’s obese and my Grandma was obese until she died of a heart attack when she was 48, so don’t go telling me it ain’t got nothing to do with genetics.’

Encouraged by the research scientists at Kentucky University are now looking in to whether a similar link exists in adults, and are feeding a carefully selected sample of willing volunteers dozens of burgers, shakes, donuts and chocolate bars every day. ‘Our plan was to compare their weight gain to all the other people in the state, but it’s still kinda hard to tell them all apart.’

Ivor Baddiel

A hamburger restaurant in Ohio was the scene of the latest horrific images to shock America yesterday as a strange loner dressed in a clown costume went on an indiscriminate two-hour spree giving out hamburgers, fries and chicken dippers that in twenty years time would kill the customers from heart disease and diabetes.

‘It was horrible…’ said one witness. ‘Everywhere you looked there was oil and mayo oozing out of the burgers, ketchup splattered over the tables, shakes spilled across the floor. How could anybody let this happen?’

The shocking scenes come as America’s annual death toll from weight-related mortalities continues to mount, and many are now questioning the Republicans’ treasured ‘right to bear fat’. ‘The current situation is insane,’ said one campaigner for bun control. ‘Anybody, no matter what their dietary history is allowed to just wander into a shop and buy a burger. It’s lethal. They can buy three or four burgers at a time if they want, and they often do.’

Nearby hospitals were said to be unable to admit any more obesity cases through their doors. ‘The normal doors aren’t wide enough. We had to use the service entrance round the back.’ Thousands of very fat people die every year in the United States, where it is quite normal for people to have potato chips on their bedside table or keep a doughnut in their car.

The current laws were defended by Bob Lubbock, of the National Waffle Association, ‘The right to bear fat is in the U.S. constitution. I will stand up for this right, as soon I can get out of this chair. If a man wants a portion of ribs, or a king size burger or fried chicken wings, or all three with mayo on top, that is his inalienable right as a US citizen. Now pass the maple syrup would you?’

Senator Lubbock was then rushed to hospital complaining of chest pains. As he was wedged into the back of the ambulance he shouted; ‘Remember Nachos don’t kill people. People eating Nachos kill people.’