Grateful nation honours bankers with well-deserved day off

Guest — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 10:59:27 +0000

Ceremonies have been taking place across the United Kingdom to mark the August Bank Holiday, commemorating the hard work and sacrifice of the nation’s bankers and other financial sector workers who are taking a well-deserved day off.

At a service in the City, leading figures in banking and business agreed that this year’s holiday had been thoroughly merited. “We wouldn’t be in the fine economic shape we’re in if it weren’t for our bankers, would we?” said one CEO. “A lot of bankers laid down their bonuses this year, and we salute them on behalf of a grateful nation.”

“We’ve had a number of spontaneous outpourings of public support recently,” said a leading hedge fund manager. “Just last week I was washing down a low-budget lunch with a glass of cut-price Krug when this group of ordinary people appeared outside, screaming their gratitude and throwing little tokens of their brutish appreciation through our windows. Must be so nice for them to be able to get down here to London and see what real hard work looks like. The money’s good, but it’s the public adulation that really warms my otherwise deadened, materialistic and shallow heart and makes it all worthwhile.”

Bank of England sells unwanted gold reserves after seeing daytime TV ad

Ludicity — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 11:00:39 +0000

The Bank of England has confirmed that they will be popping the entire nation’s gold reserve into envelopes and sending it off to Cash4Gold in return for ready money, after the Governor, Mervyn King, saw an advertisement on daytime television.

Bank of England staff are working around the clock to get all the gold reserves into reasonably-sized jiffy bags. ‘The job is a lot easier because Gordon managed to flog most of it off cheap when he was still here,’ said one Bank of England worker. ‘To be honest it will be a relief to get it out from under our feet.’

Alastair Darling, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, has welcomed the Bank’s decision. ‘Turning gold bullion into cash is a splendid idea and could help us refinance the British economy. I am already in negotiations with the Queen who may have some unwanted orbs and sceptres which she isn’t planning on leaving to her children, so we might as well make a bob or two out of them. Lovely jubbly.’

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Grateful nation honours bankers with well-deserved day off

Bank of England sells unwanted gold reserves after seeing daytime TV ad