In his new Channel 4 series, with accompanying book and DVD, Jamie Oliver demonstrates how other condiments can be used to treat frozen surfaces including cracked black pepper and freshly chopped herbs. The government has supported the campaign with Transport Minister Lord Adonis saying that using local ingredients such as sorrel and wild garlic would reduce the nation’s reliance on imported salt stocks during severe winter weather.

However parents at some schools have objected to healthier alternatives being used to on icy school playgrounds. In Rotherham, parents were seen pushing salt cellars and even ready-salted crisps through school fences after their children refused to play football on a school yard treated with rustic French mustard vinaigrette.

Despite the criticisms, many councils have backed the idea and later episodes of the show will reveal how Hampstead and Highgate have now fully replaced salt across the borough with shaved parmesan and torn basil leaves, although it admits it may have to maintain stocks of freshly milled Maldon sea salt for emergencies.

In other news a driver and four pedestrians were seriously injured after a car mounted the pavement after skidding on a redcurrant and balsamic glaze outside a school in Islington.

MitchellAdcow (with thanks to joe harding and evilsuperstar)

The house has seen some of the most brutal battles of the divorce, with barrages of legal letters fired by both sides until their finances were reduced to rubble and both sides were bogged down in a quagmire of ill feeling and petty squabbles.

“When this thing started, I thought it would all be over by Christmas” said Joe, looking exhausted after spending six months living in the shed. “It all began over Franz Ferdinand. I accused her of not putting one of their CDs back in the right place in the rack, and she retaliated by complaining about my snoring. Things escalated from there and once the lawyers got involved it soon turned into a war of attrition. I gained access to the power tools, and then she made a lightning raid on the dinner service. Pretty soon we were at stalemate with both of us bunkered down in defensive positions over the bread machine and pension rights.”

For her part, Paula made some good initial gains over access rights to the house, but had to retreat when the light bulbs needed changing in the kitchen and the washing machine waste pipe became blocked. “I will admit to some initial weaknesses” said Paula “But since I met the plumber with the big moustache and ballcock I’ve been making advances on a few fronts.”

“For one day at least, it will be all quiet on the Western Front.” Quipped Joe from his shed.

With a Santa’s hat-tip to Jeni B

’2011 was a terrible year for them’ said Hansen. ‘They’ve lost the backbone of their team through assassinations and deaths – Bin Laden’s gone, Gadhafi’s hung up his boots and now their top goalscorer (according to him) Kim Jong Il’s dead as well. They need to bring in some quality despots if they’re going to carry on wreaking terror on the Western world.’

Hansen also questioned some of the succession decisions made by the Axis of Evil countries recently. ‘Kim Jong Un is no replacement for Kim Jong Il’ he complained. ‘He’s only 27, and he’s got very little experience of suppressing the human rights of an entire country and threatening his neighbours with a fledgling nuclear capability. You’ll never blow up anything with kids.’

The Scot also believes that the problems have been building for the last five years. ‘They never replaced Saddam Hussein when he died in 2006, and the writing’s been on the wall since then’ he said. ‘They didn’t have the strength in depth to cope with the tough schedule brought about by the Arab Spring, and now they’re paying the price. Now they’re left with an aging squad that’s badly in need of fresh blood, and new signings as well. There’s too much reliance on Ahmadinejad, and Assad’s form’s been woeful so far this season.’

Hansen wasn’t sure however who the Axis of Evil should be trying to sign. ‘There’s not a lot of talent out there to be honest. Most politicians and leaders are used to democratic formations these days, and they probably wouldn’t be able to cope with a dictatorial set up. The rumour mill is saying that Sarkozy could be seeking a new country in the Summer, and of course Berlusconi’s been transfer listed, but they’re both coming towards the end of their careers now and quite frankly wouldn’t last five minutes. Putin might be a safe pair of hands, but Nick Clegg might be a good option for them. He’s fallen out with his current gaffer, and he’s always handy to blame all your problems on if nothing else.’

Manchester City boss Roberto Mancini agreed with Hansen, and was quick to suggest Carlos Tevez as a possible signing. ‘His salary is on a par with the GDP of most third world countries, he’s very good at falling out with people and he seems to like having other people to all the running around for him whilst he just sits on the bench’ said Mancini. ‘He’d be a perfect despotic dictator.’

‘It was never my intention to offend anyone, and I apologise if in observing everyday custom and shaking hands with Mr Blatter that is what I have inadvertently done,’ said the man. ‘I would like to make it clear that I am 100% committed to eradicating intolerance, corruption and stupidity from international football administration, but maybe sometimes there is a word or a handshake which isn’t correct. My view is that if two people have a falling out about who you should shake hands with, they should just agree to put those differences aside and shake hands.’

This not the first time the man in question has got himself into trouble for a public gaffe. In 2004 he said that women ought to wear ‘tighter clothes’ when tolerating inappropriate remarks by football administrators in order to raise the popularity of the sport among men. One tabloid newspaper has also claimed that cowardly handshaking may be in the man’s DNA, but records have since proved that he is not descended from Neville Chamberlain.

‘Acceptance of bigotry is not an issue that can just be swept under the carpet,’ said the man today. ‘It’s far more effective just to pretend it never happened. But I admit I made a mistake, and when you have done something which is not totally correct then all you can do is offer a heartfelt apology and hope not to get caught next time.’

The man has insisted that he will not resign from his role as armchair critic of FIFA, but has instituted a pre-emptive zero-tolerance approach to future misjudged handshakes by chopping off his own hands. ‘It might seem a bit drastic, but Sepp Blatter said it would have happened anyway if I’d been caught having a drink during the 2018 World Cup in Qatar.’

“We have identified around 200 standard phrases that comprised 98% of the programme’s dialogue and have realised that two schoolboys on a PS3 can be viable replacements for Lineker, Hansen and all those other ex-footballing spongers,” said a BBC executive, “The game’s enhanced commentary lets the viewers know the players’ names, and so long as the lads get plenty of Red Bull and Doritos, they won’t need paying.”

The executive continued: “Fans can relax. I’ve seen the pilot show and not much has changed. They still have the theme tune that we all love and the football seems real enough except that the players don’t spit as much. There’s even a racial abuse filter. We realised the scheme was possible when people didn’t notice that we’d digitised David Attenborough fifteen years ago.”

acwanaut

‘We’ve already got Neymar from Santos lined up as ‘the next Pelé’,’ said BBC’s South American football correspondent Tim Vickery, ‘and when he doesn’t live up to his early promise then there’s a 17 year old playing for Flamengo who we’ve pegged as ‘the next next Pelé’. Should a serious injury destroy his potential, then this kid from Sao Paulo certainly looks like he’s got what it takes to be ‘the next next next Pelé’. From the 5 minutes I’ve seen of him anyway.’

There was also a brief flurry of interest in a Liverpool teenager dubbed ‘the next Joey Barton’, before clubs discovered he was serving time in a youth offenders’ institute for assault. And didn’t actually play football.

The embarrassing incident occurred in a public park in Alderley Edge, Cheshire, when Mancini took the pet toy out of his pocket and threw it as far as he could, saying ‘Go on Tollie, fetch!’  The dog nonchalantly looked at the ball disappearing into the distance and then returned his attention to a KFC box that had been abandoned under a nearby bush.

‘Tollie feels that it is pointless to chase after the ball if Mancini is just going to throw it away again,’ said a spokesman for the dog.  ‘It is degrading and a waste of time and energy. And in any case the squeak has broken on that one and it’s no fun.’

To compound Mancini’s humiliation, Sir Alex Ferguson happened to be walking his own dog nearby, which faithfully fetched his ball and dropped it lovingly at his master’s feet. ‘Maybe the solution is for Mancini to play his pit-bull terrier up front for Manchester City,’ said his rival.  ’He’s better looking than Tevez for a start.’

‘I’m not sure what happened, but somehow we were left with a broadcast that didn’t come across as if it had been produced by an 8 year old with learning difficulties.’ Said the former head of the FA, ‘Over time we have built a proud reputation for being able to cover all manner of sporting activities excruciatingly badly, with presenters who appear to be watching the sport for the first time, commentators talking rubbish, and unplanned ad-breaks interrupting the action.’

With the start of the rugby world cup just days away ITV have launched an urgent inquiry in order to avoid a repeat of the professional quality coverage. Early indications are that David Pleat will be given the dual roles of presenter and lead commentator, despite knowing even less about rugby than he does about football, to ensure a steady stream of gibberish.

‘Luckily the match itself was terrible and I’m extremely thankful for that’ continued Mr Crozier, ‘otherwise we could have been left with an experience that was marginally more enjoyable for viewers than poking yourself repeatedly in the eye with the handle of a soup spoon, and that’s not what we’re about at ITV.’