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Posts Tagged ‘funeral’

‘Proper celebrity’ funerals to replaced by Twitter

Prompted by the way minor celebrities take to Twitter to announce their sadness at the death of a real celebrity they never met and hope their tweet is reported on TV, the microblogging site is to offer a new celebrity funeral service.

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Posted: Aug 14th, 2014
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Interpreters to be replaced by Skippy the Bush Kangaroo

Following the debacle of the Mandela memorial being overshadowed by fake sign language, all future international events will be staffed by Australia’s ‘favourite joey’. Skippy will translate multiple dialects into a series of universally understood hind leg ‘thumps’, ‘clicking sounds’ and ‘rudimentary twerking’.

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Posted: Dec 14th, 2013
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Excrement-covered Thatcher statue ‘a cert’ for Turner Prize

The ‘shit-stained’ bronze will have abusive text scrawled across it by those who remember Mrs Thatcher’s period as Education Secretary. The Foreign Office has agreed that the Argentine ambassador can fortnightly hit her with a polo mallet in exchange for not invading the Falklands again.

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Posted: Aug 25th, 2013
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Fears that Mark Thatcher ‘might get lost’ on way to his mother’s funeral

‘If you’re used to driving in the desert, navigating through central London is going to be a very different challenge’.

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Posted: Apr 17th, 2013
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Iron Lady stolen by scrap metal thieves

they come over here, steal our ex prime ministers....‘At this stage we believe Mrs Thatcher may have been accidentally left outside on the street and pinched when no-one was watching by some entrepreneurial rag-and-bone men,’ explained Detective Inspector Dean Morgan who is leading the investigation. ‘With a street value of almost three quid, she could be anywhere by now. My guess is she’s already in a scrapyard, squashed between two Ford Cortinas.’

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Posted: Apr 15th, 2013
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