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Posts Tagged ‘funeral’

Police arrest man who failed to be devastated by Cilla’s death

A 54-year-old man from Kent is being questioned by police after showing complete indifference towards the death of national treasure, Cilla Black. The man was forcibly removed from his place of work yesterday after colleagues said he displayed an utter lack of mawkishness during the live broadcast of ‘our Cilla’s’ funeral.

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Posted: Aug 23rd, 2015
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Britain’s first multiplex church opens in Uxbridge

The Church of England has hit back in the fight against dwindling congregations with the grand opening of Britain’s first ever six-pulpit multiplex church. Situated in Uxbridge’s prestigious new Mullard Mills shopping complex, St. Peter’s, Paul’s & Mary’s Church officially opened its doors to worshippers this morning.

‘The opening of this hallowed edifice brings the Church kicking and screaming into the 21st century,’ said the vicar, Reverend Simon Charminster. ‘Why drag yourself out of bed on a Sunday morning to sit in a draughty old church when you can come here at any time of day to catch a wide range of masses, services and evensongs in super hi-def surround-sound?’

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Posted: Jul 9th, 2015
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Patriots gather to commemorate Britain’s greatest queue

Commemorations are taking place in London today to mark the half centenary of what most historians agree to be Britain’s greatest queue. It is 50 years since thousands of patriots lined up outside Westminster Hall to view the body of some bloke who used to be the Prime Minister during World War Two.

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Posted: Jan 24th, 2015
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‘Proper celebrity’ funerals to replaced by Twitter

Prompted by the way minor celebrities take to Twitter to announce their sadness at the death of a real celebrity they never met and hope their tweet is reported on TV, the microblogging site is to offer a new celebrity funeral service.

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Posted: Aug 14th, 2014
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Interpreters to be replaced by Skippy the Bush Kangaroo

Following the debacle of the Mandela memorial being overshadowed by fake sign language, all future international events will be staffed by Australia’s ‘favourite joey’. Skippy will translate multiple dialects into a series of universally understood hind leg ‘thumps’, ‘clicking sounds’ and ‘rudimentary twerking’.

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Posted: Dec 14th, 2013
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