Following Diana’s fatal road accident, the streets of the North Korean capital became knee deep with flowers as the transfixed nation followed every moment of the coverage of the funeral beamed from Westminster Abbey via a spy satellite installed by the Central Military Commission of the Workers’ Party for just such a purpose.

‘In many ways, our Dear Leader had a lot in common with Dear Diana,’ commented a recently exiled commentator. ‘They both were experts at manipulating the media and both had a thing about land mines.’

Although the dissemination of news out of the country is tightly controlled, it is understood that Kim Jong-il is being buried on a heart shaped island located on the estate of his ancestral home.

‘He always looked down in the dumps, even when he was happy. This was the best thing ever to have happened to him and it might have raised a smile on his horrible mush, the miserable bastard, but I doubt it,’ said a friend since childhood.

The dead man’s mother said she would miss his melancholic features and unrelenting scowl. ‘Didn’t matter what it was – birthday or Christmas  – to Darren they were all funerals. Oh, he was a proper misery guts. Some say he inherited it from me, but I had a bit of a chuckle at my mother’s funeral only ten years ago.’

The funeral director’s owner, John Starling, says more and more people are opting to bow out in style. ‘We can offer something in death that the deceased never experienced while they were alive. This is particularly true of our extreme No Way Out funerals where the only certainty is the deceased will come to a highly destructive end. These include the Car Crusher, the Building Demolition, the Hearse Over The Cliff, and The Bomb In The Coffin.’

Molly Finnegan told us she was very happy with the service provided for her late father. ‘We opted for the two hour balloon ride. Dad hated heights, but my Neville and me have always wanted to go up in one So when Dad pegged it we thought we’d kill two birds and use his funeral savings for a special treat.’

Tommy Morgan said his Grandad had always been a huge big band fan, and so the Glen Miller Farewell was the perfect send off. ‘We watched the plane carrying the coffin disappear over the Channel and that was the last we saw of it.’

Not everyone has welcomed this latest innovation. The Rev. Audrey Mulligan from the Death With Dignity Society, says she is appalled. ‘I’m afraid I saw this coming with Big Brother 6, when the deceased housemate was there for six weeks before being voted off. What’s wrong with being sombre and dignified? A few brief words at the grave side, a handful of dirt respectfully thrown, admire the floral tributes, back to the pub for a skinful and then round to their house to grab all the stuff?’

Swedish furniture giant IKEA claims to have drastically reduced the cost of a family funeral with it’s new self-assembly plywood coffin. The flatpack coffin comes in twelve ‘easy-to-assemble’ parts and can be put together ‘in under an hour’ by grieving relatives.

‘It was good to get my mind off things’ said bereaved grandson Geoff Cooper, 35. ‘I was tearful when I started to work out which bit went where. But after two hours I was shouting and swearing and throwing the little Allen key across the room. When we finally lowered the coffin into the ground, it fell to pieces and granddad’s limbs all fell out.’

But other families have welcomed the saving that the self-assembly sarcophagus represents. ‘We wanted to save cash on the coffin for our gran because we didn’t like her’ said Elizabeth Jamieson from Croydon. ‘So we got her to assemble the coffin herself before she croaked. It took her three and a half days to put it together. Ironically it was probably that what finished her off.’