‘This is fantastic news’ Geldof told reporters, ‘but it’s been a long time coming. Do you have any idea how crippling these debts are to countries like the UK? The British government has to pay a staggering £120 million a day in interest charges. That’s £120 million a day that could be spent on building schools and nuclear powers stations, or on funding wars in the Middle East, or on a really hard-hitting TV and poster campaign to get quite tubby people out jogging. We have to wipe out these debts NOW or the civil servants of Britain are going to suffer.’

The agreement follows months of hard work and campaigning by Geldof and the Make Poverty History charity that has galvanised support around the world. Children in Africa have been wearing Make Poverty History bracelets to show their support for the West, and thousands of singers and bands pledged their support for the campaign by playing a series of simultaneous concerts at 10 venues around the world. Nelson Mandela even addressed the crowd at one of the concerts, telling supporters ‘We have to act now. Wipe out the debts now or we will be remembered as the generation that stood by and watched as British quangos got cautiously closed down or merged.’

Global protests have also been taking place, culminating in a march on the headquarters of the World Bank by bankers from New York, London, Frankfurt and Tokyo, waving ‘Drop the Debt’ placards and linking hands for a candlelight vigil in a show of international unity. However the move has not been welcomed universally, with many developing world governments sceptical about the supposed benefits of canceling obligations.

‘It’s a lovely theory, but really you don’t know if the money’s going to make it through to the people that really need it,’ said a senior government official in Zimbabwe, becoming increasingly emotional. ‘These governments make these grand claims but I have a letter here from one brave English granny, and for all the fine words, she’s telling me there’s still going to be dozens of butlers that aren’t even going to be getting a proper Christmas party this year. I mean really, is it any wonder that some people can be cynical?’

‘It’s not good enough to have to wait a day or two for a response from a trusted and reliable source,’ said CBI Director General Richard Lambert, ‘but now Mr King’s put himself right there in the frame, things should go a lot more smoothly. When Gordon tells us we’re actually doing really well, Mervyn will be there with a bundle of notes from the OECD and IMF and will be able to confidently put his hand up to his mouth and cough the word ‘Bullshit’.’

‘Alistair Darling could also receive help from time to time as he’s struggling a bit, isn’t he,’ added Mr Lambert. ‘His growth forecasts seem a tiny bit out, and he’s having so much trouble adding up the numbers that the spending review won’t be finished until after the next election, poor thing. At least he can take some comfort that Gordon still thinks he’s the right man for the job,’ he said, at which point Mervyn King walked past in the background and shouted ‘Bollocks!’.

The scheme will soon be extended to other government departments, to ensure clearer communication and to avoid misleading the public. And for those with hearing disabilities, experts in social policy will also be expected to mime behind the relevant minister. In future when a member of the government says their policy is a success, we can expect to see an independent expert behind him, miming putting a gun to his head and pulling the trigger, pretending to slash his wrists or acting out putting a noose around his head as he sticks his tongue out and rolls his eyes.

‘My invitation said that I was cordially invited to the G20 summit, on 9-10 April 2009 in London,’ insisted Mr Voronin. ‘Now I arrive at Gatwick expecting a limousine to be waiting for me, instead of which I find a rail replacement bus service. What other world leader would have to put up with this? I am not a man to be trifled with.’

Having eventually travelled to the Excel centre by taxi, the delegation was dismayed to find a meeting of the Association of Biscuit Manufacturers in progress, rather than the cavalcade of international statesmen they had been expecting. An official from the delegation commented: ‘We came here to discuss global economics – look – I have notebook, calculator, everything. And now, biscuits? What is the meaning of this?’

Gordon Brown queried whether Mr Voronin had conceivably mixed up the invitation he claims to have received to the G20 with another similar function, but offered to send a Labour backbencher to meet President Voronin over coffee. The Prime Minister is understood to have declined the President’s request that he re-convene the summit to enable Moldova’s views on the economic downturn to be aired on the world stage.

Boarding his plane last night, President Voronin told reporters ‘the mighty voice of Moldava will be heard!’ before flying back to his homeland. The Moldovan delegation were visibly upset by the administrative oversight and were keen to show reporters the invitation to the G20 that they received back on the 1st of this month.

Having concluded several hours of difficult business in a couple of minutes, things got even more childish, as the German Chancellor Angela Merkel suggested, ‘that guy from Different Strokes could be your Mini Me’ and Gordon Brown was ordering for ‘sharks with fricken laser beams on their fricken heads’.

The laughing could be heard from the outer chambers and was initially mistaken for some sort of terrorist attack, as it took time for the security officers to work out what was happening. There were world leaders with water streaming out of their eyes and quite a few rolling on their backs clutching their sides and screaming ‘Fembots!’. ‘We thought we were dealing with a poison gas attack, but then it became a little clearer,’ said one Security Officer who did not give his name. ‘We aren’t used to handling incidents like this; the last time it happened was when Bill Clinton handed out his cigars in the Oval office’.

Amid reports that the ice caps are melting faster than previously thought, leaders of the industrialised nations expressed their grave concerns about the dangers of rising sea levels wiping out whole countries, drowning millions and completely altering the climate of Planet Earth.

However on hearing that this was all over thirty years away, the leaders agreed to come back to the problem ‘nearer the time’.