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Posts Tagged ‘G4S’

Public urged to ‘get sent to prison’ to be away from murderers

Following a spate of prisoners walking out of an open prison instead of doing the decent thing and finishing his sentence, the public are being urged to get themselves locked up at her majesty’s pleasure to help keep themselves safe from robbers and murders.

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Posted: May 25th, 2014
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Monopoly to withdraw get out of jail free cards

Dozens of armed robbers, rapists and evaders of the TV licence fee have used get out of jail free cards to dupe prison staff supplied by G4S and Serco into allowing them to abscond. After intense pressure from the Home Office and the Police Federation, Hasbro, makers of Monopoly, have said they will no longer supply the cards in new games.

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Posted: May 22nd, 2014
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Gove to privatise child abuse

'why should the state sector have all the fun?'Michael Gove has announced he’ll hand responsibility for all child abuse to private companies like G4S, Atos and Serco. Mr Gove told the media it was ‘inappropriate and wrong’ for past child abuse to be largely the responsibility of public bodies like the BBC, state-run care homes, the NHS and Liberal MP Cyril Smith.’

The Education Secretary said: ‘At a time of economic challenge it’s crucial we don’t leave child abuse to Labour-supporting BBC celebrities who are paid millions of pounds by licence fee payers. Even some religious institutions are claiming state funding for their special kind of hurting of children. Equally, the cost of child abuse in local authority and other state-provided institutions has got out of hand. That’s why teachers in Free Schools will have a freer hand in this respect. One simple form of abuse will be to deny children in Free Schools free school meals.’

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Posted: May 20th, 2014
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Government agrees to ‘gentlemen’s agreement’ with G4S over being ripped off

Whitehall has agreed to allow G4S to bid for lucrative contracts again, on the condition that they ‘don’t make it too obvious’ when they’re defrauding the public purse of hundreds of millions of pounds.

At a press conference earlier today, a Treasury spokesman confirmed that a ‘gentlemen’s bargain’ had been struck, saying that ‘Ultimately, we know the private sector will always provide better value for money than our own bloated and befuddled ways. If we have to turn a blind eye to a few pens missing from the office, or bars of gold from the Bank of England, then that’s just the price we pay for the extraordinary expertise they bring in providing trained security guards for international events and tagging prisoners who are definitely alive and still under surveillance, rather than not really there at all, really.’

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Posted: Apr 13th, 2014
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G4S to escort G4S to court

The government has confirmed that following investigations into fraud at G4S, and with charges pending, G4S has been hired to escort G4S to court.

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Posted: Jul 15th, 2013
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