A statement issued by the UN’s headquarters in New York confirmed that the Chuckles had already accepted the ambassadors post, and the international community had decided that, ‘on reflection, their unique ‘to me, to you’ philosophy, may just be the approach that’s required to resolve the issues in the Gaza Strip’.

In a separate story, former PM Tony Blair has been announced as the star turn at the Blackpool Ambassadors Theatre panto Mother Goose, which is playing six nights a week with matinees on Wednesday and Saturday, and also features Ban-Ki Moon as Widow Twanky.

‘When an enemy tank comes rumbling through your front garden during granny’s 90th birthday party, it can be kind of annoying,’ said one householder, ‘but as soon as I saw that the driver was a parent of an infant I completely forgave them. If they have a baby on board, then clearly they have the right to do whatever they want.’

Israeli Army boffins are believed to have experimented with several types of vehicle notices, including zany bumper stickers such as ‘Mafia Staff Car – keepa da hands off’ and ‘Kevin and Tracey’ windscreen letters. World opinion has also been mollified by providing all Israeli army vehicles with stickers saying ‘How’s my invading?’ with a hot-line number to report any armies crossing into Gaza in an over-aggressive or discourteous manner.

Meanwhile Israeli rocket launchers continued to pound Palestinian positions in Gaza, while a guerrilla war continues in the occupied territory. Gazans are feeling increasingly helpless against the new Israeli tactics. ‘We were about to let off a roadside mine’ said one Arab youth, ‘when we saw the sticker on their troop carrier. ‘Caution; Show Dogs In Transit.’ World opinion would never have stood for it.’

Stoopy de Gunt

‘To be honest, we’re as surprised as everyone else,’ confessed a modest Lee Turner today. ‘Things didn’t seem quite right when I woke without a headache, but when I turned on the TV and saw the Israelis and Palestinians holding hands on the streets of Jerusalem, I clocked that something was up.’ Pub regular Janet Goulding was equally bemused. ‘I’ve been woken early by the postman before,’ she said, ‘but never with a telegram from the UN saying ‘Thanks for sorting everything out’.’

In addition to solving the conflicts in the Middle East and much of Africa, the friends also identified major new sources of renewable energy, restored confidence in the global economy, introduced democracy to China, Zimbabwe and North Korea and worked out the best living conditions for polar bears since the end of the last glacial period. But the pub regulars were at a loss to explain exactly how they had righted the world’s wrongs. ‘I remember one of the lads saying ‘Yeah, definitely, that’s what they oughta do.’ said stalwart Jim Portman. ‘And everyone else saying, ‘Yeah but will they take any notice of us?’ But lo and behold; they did…’

‘One of the lads had some strong feelings ideas about corporate responsibility,’ recalled another of the drinkers, ‘and a couple of the girls thought everything would be better if people simply tried a bit harder to get along, but I’d never have guessed we’d hit the nail right on the head. I suppose the sixth pint probably had a key role to play in the formulation of complex resolutions to seemingly intractable problems.’ The friends said that they now wanted to be left to get on with their lives and were hopeful of some boom years ahead for the town’s manufacturing sector ‘and a strong challenge by Runcorn Linnets FC for next season’s premiership title’.

Hamas has agreed to run a controversial appeal on behalf of the BBC license fee. The appeal, which has been criticised by many as ‘overtly political’, will be broadcast tomorrow on the one remaining television set in the Gaza Strip. The BBC license fee has been the subject of heated political debate and many believe that it is too sensitive a subject for Hamas to broadcast without undermining their hard-earned reputation for impartiality.

However, Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh described the appeal as ‘purely humanitarian’ adding ‘there is no reason why innocent victims such as Jonathan Ross or Jeremy Clarkson should suffer unnecessary cuts in their wages because of disagreements about how to pay for the British Broadcasting Corporation.’

‘Whatever the rights and wrongs of the public service broadcasting debate, every Palestinian agrees that the only way forward must be via a simple Direct Debit arrangement.’ he added. Israel however said it could not accept this position and used the disagreement to justify renewed shelling of Palestinian homes.

Meanwhile, following recent criticism of their own impartiality, the BBC has taken the decision to cancel their long running charity show ‘Children in Need’. ‘We had to take into account that some children have absolutely everything they will ever need in life and might feel marginalised during an appeal like this,’ said a BBC spokesman. The BBC admitted that they did consider a disclaimer explaining that the children they were targeting during the appeal were not representative of the BBC audience as a whole ‘but whenever we broadcast that, it might not have reached a representative sample of the BBC audience as a whole’.

The Hamas/BBC controversy was not helped yesterday, when it transpired that Jonathan Ross had used his return to broadcasting to ring up the elderly spiritual leader of Hamas and announced ‘Hey Ahmed, I fucked your grand-daughter.’

(hat tip to Skylarking and The Last Detail)

There was a champagne reception for Tony Blair yesterday as he left his job as Middle East Peace envoy surrounded by bouquets and cards congratulating him on a job well done.

‘It just shows that if you set your mind to something it can be achieved. I’m not pretending that it wasn’t difficult at times, that there weren’t huge obstacles to be overcome, but I think we can look back at where Israel/Palestine was when I started on this job eighteen months ago and agree that the peace situation is very different now.’

President Bush paid tribute to the achievement of Tony Blair and acknowledged that the former British PM was one of the few people to have done more for peace in the Middle East than President Bush himself. ‘Some folks didn’t think it was achievementable, but Blair has helped implementated a lasting piece of cord.’

Tony Blair is now said to be considering other challenges; among them, reversing the credit crunch and ending global warming, although his flight home from Israel was apparently delayed due to safety concerns in the Gaza area.

Later on, a late night caller to a local radio station explained that there was in fact a lasting solution to the Palestinian problem. ‘They should just get in there and sort it all out’ explained gatehouse attendant Bryan Duffy. ‘Somebody should get in there and bang some heads together.’ Peace is expected to follow as soon as this formula is implemented.

See also Tony Blair to reunite branches of Islam

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The hug itself was initially an awkward affair with nobody sure how to start. Blair apparently just gave Abbas a toothy grin and a big cuddle and the rest nervously joined in. As centuries of bloodshed, conflict and tension evaporated into the air the men appeared visibly moved by the experience. Afterwards all meditated as scented lavender candles and recorded whale song drifted through the air. Then the various participants sat crossed-legged in a symbolic circle and shouted compliments and declarations of love at one another.

The innovative new age approach was apparently the suggestion of Tony Blair’s son Leo who’d heard about group hugging at school and had personally witnessed the technique being used in his kitchen between his father, Uncle Peter and Uncle Gordon.

Later a relaxed Abbas said ‘It’s all so silly really when you think about it. It’s only religion, history and land; what’s to fall out about? Olmert agreed saying ‘We really should be working together for a better world, addressing global problems like poverty, climate change and the crisis in Darfur. Anyway, it’s only a matter of time before most of the world is at war with China so a bit of unity amongst the rest of us sort of felt appropriate.’

The British supermarket giant is opening one of its popular Tesco Metro stores on the breached border point between the Gaza Strip and Egypt.

The mini-supermarkets have proved popular in British urban areas, where commuters have been able to get themselves basic foodstuffs on the way home from work. Now busy Gazan Palestinians will be able to pop out for a pint of milk and a ready meal for one, before returning to their bombed-out besieged enclave that remains without power or reliable running water. ‘Our ready-washed Caesar salads are a great favourite’ said store manager Gill Summerby, ‘and we are pushing the Weight Watchers range for those refugees who need to lose a few pounds!’

Thousands of Palestinians have already poured into the Sinai peninsular to get ready-washed Caesar salads, the Gravadlax medley and Tesco’s popular range of organic quiches. ‘It took a while to get the special offers right’ said Ms Gill Summerby. ‘Not knowing much about the complex religious ethnic divisions in this corner of the Middle East, we just put up a big signs saying ‘Guaranteed Kosher’ It turns out that the Gaza strip is not full of Israelis despite what it seemed to show on the old atlas in our office. But I’m sure our ‘Every Little Helps’ message will strike a chord in the disputed territories.’

An Israeli military deputation has already been to the store to make sure the Gaza Tesco Metro was not selling Kalashnikovs or Mortar Launchers, and left with a pint of milk, a small sliced loaf and a ‘Aromatic Crispy Duck for two’.

Unlike with most Tesco developments, existing local businesses have not complained yet that they’ll be put out of business, as they haven’t got anything to sell anyway. However Ms Summerby still detected a great deal of anger among her customers from the war torn Palestinian enclave. ‘I understand their anger, but we can’t supply only free range chicken at this stage. They are just going to have to be patient.’

See also Tesco launches pre-chewed food for busy customers