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Posts Tagged ‘GCHQ’

IS planning lolcats response to the Investigatory Powers Bill

British intelligence agencies are bracing themselves tonight after revelations that terrorist groups are planning to combat the new Investigatory Powers Bill with bulk trite social media posts. An insider warned that ‘Cat videos and macaroni cheese recipes will be used indiscriminately to demoralise and dishearten the infidel analysts.’

Under-resourced spymasters are furious that the Bill does not allow them to launch smart-missiles at anyone posting an Internet link to ‘That trick doctors don’t want YOU to know.’ Looking haggard and waspish, Ms Kristina DeVille from GCHQ said ‘No-one understands the stress my operators are under having to sift through tons of tedious crap only to hit a link about ‘One Weird Tip to Melt Belly Fat’, which can then cause their heads to explode. And if I have to read one more INT report about mawkish videos with the words ‘you will not BELIEVE what happens next…’, I will not be answerable for my actions.’

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Posted: Nov 5th, 2015
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Snoopers charter slated: GCHQ confirm ‘slates are secure’

A spokesman for GCHQ confirmed today that ‘currently we don’t have the technology to intercept slate messages.’ The statement was in response from a report from the terror watchdog that ‘a new slate is needed’ in the fight against terrorism.

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Posted: Jun 14th, 2015
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Password complexity to overtake poetry by 2020

‘Limericks won’t cut it’, said one IT insider. ‘They’re too predictable. Iambic pentameter will shortly be the minimum standard acceptable and even then users will need to show a wide range of metaphor and simile if they’re to defeat GCHQ’s computers.

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Posted: Dec 18th, 2014
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GCHQ to encode all secret messages in Welsh

Following an internal review of the damage caused by NSA whistle blower Edward Snowden, the government’s ultra secret agency responsible for intercepting Facebook feeds and Twitter trends has announced that it is adding an additional layer to government encryption.

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Posted: Oct 9th, 2014
More from News In Brief

Savile ‘may have been adviser to Cameron’

Details were emerging last night that Jimmy Savile may have been even more revoltingly criminal than anyone had previously imagined. The latest allegation is that he may have ‘advised’ David Cameron. A police spokesman said: ‘This simply beggars belief and will be hard to bear for the victims, of which there will be a staggering number.’

Cabinet Office officials have admitted that Savile may have been granted unfettered access to dead or dying government policies. He was known to have an abnormal interest in ‘going over figures’, and liked to visit the Treasury where many differently-abled individuals were being cared for.

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Posted: Jun 29th, 2014
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